


1994

by MoonRiver



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bullying, Coming Out, Confessions, Dating, Emotional Baggage, Fighting, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friendship, Good Friend Julie Molina, Guilt, Happy Memories, Heart-to-Heart, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Luke Is Not Okay, Luke's backstory, M/M, New Year's Eve, New Year's Kiss, Panic Attacks, Past Alex Mercer/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Past Relationship(s), Pre-Canon, Supportive Julie Molina, Unfinished Business, band circle, it's just one big angstfest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28431696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonRiver/pseuds/MoonRiver
Summary: Julie learns about Luke's past relationship with Alex, and the guys come clean about what happened during their last full year of life.OrThe phantoms have way more emotional baggage leftover from their life than they realized. They're not as okay as they thought, but Julie's there to help them through it.
Relationships: Alex Mercer & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 76
Kudos: 188





	1. Prologue: My Name Is LUKE

Alone time, in the afterlife, was surprisingly a rarity. Most days Luke was known to go haunt his childhood home if they weren’t at practice, but he was happy to find that his parents were out of town, off on a rare weekend getaway. They deserved a weekend away. Alex went off in search of Willie, and Reggie…Reggie was most likely lingering somewhere in the house with the Molinas or walking on the beach. Turns out, the bassist was just as secretive in the afterlife as he was in actual life. Julie was having some overdue “girl time” with Flynn, leaving Luke to hang out in the studio.

He claimed he wanted to work on a new song, but as soon as the room was empty, he stole a careful glance around before grabbing the mini-computer thing…an iPad, he thought Julie called it. Luke had 25 years of music to catch up on, and _all of it_ was at his fingertips. It was overwhelming. He could literally go for a walk and take _all_ of the Beatles albums with him. Yet, there was just one artist that came to mind, one he had been avoiding looking up even though he was the most anxious to hear their stuff.

Trevor Wilson.

Luke really wanted to know what all the hype was about. Sure, Bobby had stolen their songs, created a new identity, and somehow scored a monster record deal, but there was a reason Luke was the lead singer for Sunset Curve. It wasn’t just being egotistic. Bobby was pretty quiet, he seemed to really like being in the background- or at least claimed so. He could sing a killer harmony and guitar just came like a first language to him, but being in a guitarist in a band playing the L.A. club scene in ‘95 was a far cry from being an actual solo artist, a 21st century superstar. Drawing in a deep breath, Luke dared to search for the song he was most curious to hear.

“My Name Is Luke.”

 _Grammy-nominated!_ The video description proclaimed.

“Screw him,” Luke muttered.

It was just what Julie called a “lyric video”, backgrounds of a familiar a dark forest against tiny white letters with _his_ lyrics. He couldn’t help but to let a sad half-smile slip across his face; Bobby had remembered he did favor the mountains more than the beach, even if they lived in L.A. Sun wasn’t exactly his thing,

Even though it was his song, Luke was still surprised to hear the familiar acoustic opening he wrote for the song. It really wasn’t one he intended to ever record. His breath hitched when a heartbreaking piano broke in, minor chords, tugging at all the right places in his soul. And when Bobby started to sing Luke’s eyes went wide. He was…he was really good. Luke eyes fell closed and he sat back against the futon, just listening.

Bobby was really, really good. Like shakes your soul good. Like _Tom Petty_ good. Christ, no wonder he hit it big.

Luke had forced himself to not think about this song in his death. He had hidden in the back of his mind, hoping the guys wouldn’t bring it up besides finding out Bobby recorded it. He hadn’t even heard himself sing it in ages, it sounded surreal hearing it through these speakers, through someone else’s voice, telling his story.

“Luke?” Julie quiet voice cautiously asked.

He gasped as he opened his eyes, not even realizing that he had started crying. The song was just approaching its climax, just so much stronger and more brilliantly than he could have ever written it. He tried his best to avoid Julie’s eyes, but she just had this way of pulling him in. Glancing up, his eyes met her sad smile.

“It’s really good,” Luke whispered. 

“Yeah,” Julie sighed. “It was really controversial at first when it came out, but it was a big hit. That song touched a _lot_ of people. You’re…you’re _that_ Luke, aren’t you? I don’t know why I never put two and two together before.”

She sank down beside him, and his ghostly heart twisted as he felt her warmth overtake the coldness that always claimed him. Carefully, her fingers interlaced with his free hand and they both shivered; they still weren’t used to this ability to touch and _feel_.

“So much has been going on, I didn’t really think about any of your old music,” Julie admitted.

“Please, Julie,” he pleaded, his words choked up in his throat. “It’s fine, I’ve put that all behind me.”

The singer threw him a sympathetic look that read exactly what he was thinking deep down: then why is it bothering me so much?

“I just wanted to hear how he sounded,” Luke admitted, wiping a tear away. It was funny, while Alex had cried for twenty-five years in whatever dark holding space they were in, he had just felt numb all those years. Now it was like it was all coming out, and lately he just felt consumed with raw emotions. “I’m sorry, really. It’s just all a bit much.”

“Yeah,” Julie whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I honestly don’t know how you guys are handling it all.”

“I guess this is why ghosts are always so melancholy in the movies,” Luke smirked. “I figured it was time I hear his music, see what the fuss is about. And…he’s good. Makes me question everything we were doing with Sunset Curve, to be honest. Maybe I was just an asshole, hogging the stage.”

Julie rolled her eyes, immediately shooting those bad thoughts down.

“Luke, you’re a brilliant lead. All the girls are watching you during our sets, not me.”

She blushed and they both looked away; she looked instantly regretful. It was a bit bad timing. Luke really wasn’t sure if he wanted to get into all of that yet, but there was just something about Julie that made him just want to pour out his soul. He and the guys were close, they were brothers, but with Julie it just felt like…no strings attached. She would listen to him talk about anything and he could trust her with it. And everyone was so…woke…in 2020, it wasn’t like it was a big deal anymore, right?

“It’s just…we’re so close yet I still feel like I hardly know you guys,” Julie admitted. “I probably know the most about you, and your parents. I know next to nothing about Reggie, he’s practically clammed up about his past. I know that Alex is gay…beyond that…”

Shrugging, she squeezed his hand a little tighter.

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. He offered her a sad smile. “That’s because our stories aren’t exactly the happiest. I don’t think super happy people with great home lives come back as teenaged ghosts.”

“I know,” Julie replied, glancing down. “And you don’t have to talk about it. Now that I know that song…it wasn’t only written by you, it’s about you. I just feel like there’s this whole other you, and I want to know him. I know you’re trying to not think about him, but he’s a part of you.”

Her hand carefully raised to his non-beating heart and she scooted closer, letting her head rest on his shoulder. It just felt so _right_. Not even in a romantic way, it was just their connection was so strong, so pure. If anyone would understand, it was Julie.

“Can I just ask one question?” She asked. “In the song, about Luke and Adam…who is Adam? It’s like this big songwriting conspiracy, no one has ever been able to figure it out.”

A laugh escaped him, and he had to admit he was pretty amused to discover he was a part of some big secret musical legend. Was the human race really that naïve that they just never figured it out? Or was Luke just really that good at hiding? At least Bobby was decent enough to change the name.

If anyone deserved to know the big secret, wasn’t it Julie?

Closing his eyes, he finally let out the big confession all in one breath:

“Adam is actually…Alex.”

He felt Julie jump away from him and he cautiously pried one eye open to get her reaction. For some reason, he was smiling. First it felt good to finally get that off his chest. He knew the chemistry between he and his ex had just been…off…since they had died. Julie might not have known them well enough to notice something was off, but maybe it really did finally need to be talked about.

“No way!” Julie exclaimed, looking equal parts shocked and ecstatic. She stopped for a moment, processing. “Actually…that makes sense. Is that why things are a little bit off between you guys?”

Luke brought a hand up to his forehead, squeezing tightly. Of course she had noticed.

“You noticed that?”

“Yeah,” she admitted, ringing her hands together. “I thought maybe it was just the whole, ya know…dying thing. Or time traveling thing. But Reggie definitely seems to talk to Alex more, and Alex has just seems kinda lost.”

Yeah, Luke had noticed that too. His ex was always pretty anxious and often quiet, but secretly he had felt like their deaths were almost bothering Alex the most. For himself, he knew he had practically been in denial. He had still felt so alive since meeting Julie, until the couple of weeks before the Orpheum show when he was forced to relive the pain of his death again and all the emotional pain of his life plagued him again. And Reggie seemed too caught up in the fascination that was life in 2020 and their ghostly abilities to really be processing everything.

She sat down beside him again, and they shared a long moment of silence before she asked:

“How long ago did you guys break up?”

Luke was a bit shaken by just how casual she was about learning such a huge secret. 2020 was just such a contrast to their days in early nineties, hiding in the hallways, terrified of their parents finding out…being proven right to be terrified when Alex’s parents found out. Gay couples could legally marry now and they had been careful to not even hold hands in public. The more he saw how accepted different sexualities were, the more he felt a bit…robbed of his childhood. God, if he could have grown up in the 2000s, with all of its musical capabilities, acceptances…things would have been _so_ different.

“It was in the fall, the year before we died,” Luke confessed. “Things were so different back then. It wasn’t really anything I intended to be, there was just always something about Alex. I had noticed him looking at me more and more. We would stay up all night at each other’s houses, writing and coming up with music. Then it happened. New Year’s Eve, 1993…we kissed.”

There he was smiling again at the memory. The two of them on the floor as the ball dropped on the television. The house dead silent as their lips locked.

Julie sat back down and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, drawing him close.

“Alex already knew he was gay. I had never had any interest in girls, but I hadn’t given it much thought. I was preoccupied with the band. Then he just freaking kissed me out of the blue, and I should have been really shocked, like he was my best friend. And I had never kissed anyone, let alone another guy. But it felt better than anything.”

An empty silence fell between them because he knew while the story sounded sweet, it had a terrible ending.

“Then things just got…so complicated,” he sighed. “I mean…you’ve heard the song.”

_My Name Is Luke._

The sad song about a teenage boy who had a secret crush on his best guy friend, who got in fights and saw said best friend get beat up just because of _love_ , whose love tore his best friend’s family apart. And who was he to even know what love was, at sixteen? He’d written the song after over a month straight of bullying, after the school found out their secret. After a month of being called _that name_ , when his whole identity became _the gay kid_ , and all he wanted to be was just Luke. Alex had handled it a bit better than him when physically at school, though it fueled a whole new level of his anxiety. Maybe it was because Alex was a bit more comfortable with his sexuality, a bit more _certain_. Luke just felt like his whole life was suddenly not in his hands and he spent every waking hour grasping for any kind of control.

“Luke…” Julie tried, raising his chin to look at him. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”

It was a bit too late for that. The tears were coming back again, and he shook as she brushed them away.

“We both kinda went off the rails after that,” he admitted. “It was too much. I felt like a coward that I couldn’t handle it. Then I ran out on my parents. The band really started to take off that year so I just pushed everything back in my head. Then we booked the Orpheum. Then we died. He died…Alex had known it was a bad idea, eating sketchy street food, but he still trusted me. After all that and he died and I…I watched it. I was lying beside him when he drew his last breath and his eyes just stared back into mine and…then I died, knowing how much I had screwed up both of our lives.”

God, now Julie was crying too. She didn’t even say anything, because who could say anything to that? She just let him cry, and that feeling of total lack of control consumed him.

“You really didn’t.”

They both looked up, and Luke was a bit horrified to see no other than Alex standing there, looking completely out of place and hurt.

“I never knew,” Alex whispered as he continued, his hands clutching into fists and then releasing again, something he used to do to try to calm his nerves. “I didn’t know you saw me…”

Luke nodded, desperately wiping at his eyes. His face was a red mess, his hair disheveled. Alive Luke would have been embarrassed for him.

“Yeah,” he muttered, barely audible. “Reggie went first…then you…then me.”

“I never knew,” Alex repeated, shaking his head and raising his hands to his head in shock. “God…”

Suddenly the drummer rushed toward him, sinking by his other side and placed his arm around him like Julie.

“I’ve never blamed you,” his ex promised. “For any of that. My choices were my own.”

“It’s none of you guys’ fault!” Julie exclaimed. “You guys didn’t poison yourselves!”

He and Luke shared the same amused laugh.

“If you had been there and seen how sketchy it was, you’d get how stupid we were,” Luke admitted.

“I don’t blame you,” Alex said again. Their faces were so close, and though they had no real physiological processes he swore he could still feel his hot breath against his cheek. His chest tightened. “Neither does Reggie. I wish you didn’t have to see that, but…to have you by me. It made it a bit easier. It makes it easier in the afterlife too.”

His hands collapsed over Luke’s and Julie’s. Luke didn’t even know what to say. He wish he felt more of a weight lift from him, being freed of feeling this responsibility, but he still just knew deep down… _it’s all my fault_. If he had listened to his mom, even just once, none of them would be here.

“I was listening to the song,” Luke finally confessed, nodding toward the Ipad. Alex’s eyes widened as he picked it up to see what had been playing. “It’s _really_ good.”

“I know,” Alex admitted. “I listened to it. I didn’t know if you had. Have you read any of the comments on the video?”

“Comments?”

Julie took the iPad and scrolled down beneath the video, where there were thousands of messages from fans, all along the lines of “This song changed my life” “This is exactly what it’s like” “Thanks for understanding” “I was brave enough to come out after this”. The smallest of smiles curled up at the edges of his lips.

“You did that man,” Alex said, placing a hand on the small of his back. “And yeah, it really sucks that Bobby didn’t give us any credit, but he told our story. Maybe…maybe for this one he wasn’t sure if we’d want that kind of attention. Or your parents…”

“Wait,” Julie suddenly said, her eyes narrowing with realization, “did they know?”

Alex, much stronger than he, looked her directly in the eye and confessed:

“Yeah, my dad kinda kicked me out when he found out…”

“Oh my god!”

“It’s…it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine! _Alex_ …”

She shot up from her seat; Luke ached as he instantly missed her presence, her warmth, but he knew Alex could use the hug he received.

“It’s okay, Julie,” the drummer whispered, “my dad was never that supportive. This was just…the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Julie came from such a good, loving, home that Luke was grateful Alex didn’t go into any of the true detail of what happened. God, they had been so messed up. Practically homeless. All they had left was the band, and Luke was going to make sure they at least could have music success to their name.

With the silence, two pairs of eyes fell on Luke and he realized he hadn’t answered.

“I told my dad, but I never told my mom,” he said, letting out a long breath. Julie was right, he didn’t need to but he could make himself breathe, and it was comforting. How had he never appreciated breathing, as a lifer? “My dad was…really cool about it, actually. My mom was just so…worried already, I made him promise not to tell her. Then I ran away. He actually supported me, and I ran away.”

He kicked the coffee table in front of them away, with enough force to make Julie jump a little but he didn’t notice. Leaning forward, he hid his face in his hands. How could he possibly have been that horrible of a son?

“People think I’m the overthinker,” Alex mused, speaking directly of Julie. “But so much goes on in this head of his.”

He felt a soft hand brush through his hair, sending a chill up his spine. He had been so denial these past few weeks that he hadn’t realized just how much he missed Alex, the alive Alex, and the very alive relationship they had, the relationship he couldn’t save. Things had gotten so messed up, so quickly. Sometimes he really wondered if all that actually happened. That time of his life equally felt like a lifetime ago and yesterday. He wondered how things might have gone, if he hadn’t had his head up his ass, wasn’t so focused on his own success and determination that his parents were so awful. If he had just paid more attention, if he had an ounce of maturity… 

“Whatever you’re thinking, that’s not true either,” Alex teased.

“Maybe this is part of your unfinished business,” Julie offered. Luke perked up; how had he not thought of that? They had just assumed their unfinished business was something as a group…but maybe individually the needed to figure it out.

“But we broke up months before we died,” Alex reiterated. “ _I_ broke us up.”

“And I understood,” Luke chimed in, but his voice sounded a bit too unsure and neither friend looked like they believed him. Julie looked more than surprised, like she wondered what Luke could have ever done to make someone as sweet and kind as Alex break up with him.

“Maybe you guys need to talk…” Julie stated carefully.

“No!” Both boys exclaimed, immediately looking away from each other.

“I mean, I really am happy Alex and Willie found each other, they’re perfect!” Luke said, feeling a bit flushed in the face even as he did. Alex continued to look away, looking a bit bashful.

“Yeah, she’s not buying it,” Reggie’s voice suddenly spoke up. They looked up, surprised to see their friend suddenly poof into the garage and plop down on the floor by their feet, sitting cross legged and looking very childlike. “And to be totally honest, neither am I. You guys have been weird. You were weird before and you’re weirder in death.”

“Um…excuse me?” Alex shot.

“You guys were so secretive about everything that Julie probably knows more about your relationship now than I did!”

Reggie sounded genuinely hurt, and Luke let out a deep sigh. By the time they had died in the summer of ’95 things had totally smoothed out between he and Alex. They really were able to remain _just friends._ Alex had worked his stuff out, and Luke was a mess those few months after running away from home. His ex had _not_ deserved that side of him. He was more than grateful for the support he had from his friends during that time, even more grateful to have the space to work things out in his head. He really, really had meant to go back home and try to make things up…

Their former relationship had really been on the back of his mind since. So…why did he suddenly feel this deep longing inside him? A guilt he couldn’t exactly describe. Maybe it was because in the afterlife, they should have nothing to lose, they only had each other, and before Luke could blink Alex had gone and found himself another ghost.

Okay, so maybe he was a tad jealous.

“Earth to Luke!” Alex announced, cutting into his thoughts. Luke looked up, surprised to find everyone staring at him. “I was saying, maybe Julie is right. I mean, I don’t think our unfinished business is something we’re supposed to decide for ourselves. A lot was left unsaid, when we died. It’s kind of like we’ve been going through the motions, this whole Caleb thing was a big distraction, and well…a lot happened that last year of our lives.”

“Tell me about it,” Luke muttered, sitting back against the futon as he closed his eyes.

He could practically still feel the warmth of Alex’s arms around him, the brush of his lips against his, how his eyes lit up when Luke made him laugh…he never saw that anymore.

“That’s it,” Julie announced, getting to her feet. “We are doing this. I’m getting pillows, blankets, and tissues. We’re doing band therapy.”

The three boys collectively groaned.

“And it will be good for you!” Julie insisted as she wondered off toward the house.

Alex stole a nervous glance toward Luke, wondering exactly what he had gotten himself to her.

“So…what all are we going to tell her?”

“Oh!” Reggie exclaimed gleefully with a snap of his fingers. “How about that time that middle-aged drunk lady hit on Luke after that one gig, and Alex was pissed off about it for a full two days?”

The two exes glared at him and declared in unison:

_“No.”_

Luke sighed, knowing what they truly owed Julie. She only really knew the little information she had been able to find about them on the internet and the little detail they offered her. Telling her about his parents was inevitable, they were still living in the area, in the same damn house, and she could have easily found them if she was curious enough. He didn’t know why he ever thought it was a good idea to hide his sexuality, to try to act like he didn’t have this whole other past and pretend like he was this new _ghost Luke_. The stronger they became after losing Caleb’s curse, the more he just felt all the time, and it was becoming more and more obvious lately there was nothing new about afterlife Luke. It went far beyond just his parents Maybe he had a lot more unfinished business than he thought.

“We tell her everything,” Luke decided. “She’s in our band now-“

“We’re in _her_ band,” Reggie pointed out.

He rolled his eyes.

“The point is being in a band made us brothers. We went through everything together, and we already know so much about Julie. If we’re going to be this close with her, she deserves to know more about us.”

“Right,” Alex breathed out slowly, nodding. “We tell her everything.”

There was a familiar touch to his fingertips, and he tensed as Alex's fingers locked with his. He swallowed nervously, realizing _god I've missed that_. The touch was too comforting for Luke's own good.

"We've got this," his ex promised.

 _I just feel like there’s this whole other you, and I want to know him. I know you’re trying to not think about him, but he’s a part of you._ Julie's words echoed in his head. 

She was family now; she should know that him. And maybe, Luke thought, he needed to work on understanding his past self better too. For better or for worse. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been in my head for awhile! I have most of it written, and I'm very excited to share it so hopefully you enjoyed the prologue! This will be in the format of 1994, month by month. Thank you so much for reading, and I would love to know what you think so far :)
> 
> Happy New Year!


	2. New Year's Kiss

It was a complicated story that started out quite simply.

And they really weren’t drinking.

It was New Year’s Eve. Of course. Didn’t all the hopeless romantic, helpless romantic, stories start this way?

It was 11:55 PM Pacific Time, New Years Eve, 1993 to be exact. Bobby was hanging out at a girlfriend’s house (“dude, her parents won’t be home, on New Year’s Eve, I’ve got to!”), Reggie had fallen asleep by 11, and that left just Alex and Luke up for the Pacific time version of New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. It was a bit depressing every year, knowing this had already played out on the east coast, in central time, and now they were trailing behind. Reggie had tuckered out around 10:30 PM; Luke knew that with all the yelling going home had left him losing sleep for nights on end and the quietness of just having the three of them there was all too enticing to finally get a good night of sleep.

They were at Luke’s house. His parents were at some fancy dinner his dad had been invited to by his dad’s hospital. While his mother had given him a half hour's worth of lectures about not drinking, they didn't seem to mind not ringing in the new ye If he were being completely honest, he really wasn’t sure where the year went wrong. It started out he finally had new friends, which greatly pleased his parents. Thanks to Reggie tutoring him he was no longer failing math. But the band really was taking off, they were getting invited to play school dances, parties, and were starting to get gigs at coffee shops, book clubs, even a wedding. The more time the band seemed to take up in his life, the more frustrated his mother seemed to get with him.

At the same time, there was this… _thing_ with Alex.

Luke had no clue what it was.

From the first time they met, when Luke moved into the neighborhood and Alex was playing his drums too loud on the street behind him, there was just something different he felt about the blonde. He hadn’t really had any girlfriends, and he didn’t particularly feel anything toward them. But when he was with Alex there was this nervous energy every time, like he always had to impress. In return, he received this warmth from Alex he hadn’t from any other kid.

At first, Luke thought he was the only one of the two that noticed. But over the past couple of months, he had noticed when he played he tended to turn back to Alex, jamming with him more than the other guys. Then they started hanging out more, just the two of them staying behind at rehearsals. While he and Reggie were the main songwriters, Luke knew Alex was secretly just _very_ good at music. He was also just really nice to talk to. Luke could drone on for hours about the tension between he and his mom, how she was working so much he had totally forgotten Luke’s birthday, how music was literally the only thing that made life worth it, and Alex just understood.

And if he admitted to himself, deep down, no judgements…Alex was pretty nice to look at too.

Not that he exactly knew what to do with those thoughts.

He had never been attracted to anyone before, really, and honestly he didn’t know if he really felt something true toward Alex or if he was just so overwhelmed by having real best friends. The year had been such a rush, he seemed to be constantly raging with emotions, but one thing was for sure…it had been exciting.

“1993 wasn’t half bad, huh?” Luke said. They let Reggie have the sofa while they sat together on the floor. Just four minutes left. Luke’s heart was pounding.

Alex snorted. He drummed a rhythm on the floor with his sticks while steeling a glance at his watch.

“You fought with your mom like, most of the year,” his friend pointed out.

“Yeah, but…only because the band has gotten so good. I’ve got such a good feeling about us- 1994 is going to be our year! I mean, we’re already playing weddings!”

Alex snorted again but didn’t argue.

“Dude it’s lame, but it’s something,” Luke pointed out. “It’s more than just busking at the pier. And people are interested enough to hire us. I really think we can start getting into the gig scene next year.”

“I admire your confidence,” Alex offered. Luke could have sworn his friend shifted closer to him. Three minutes left. “But come on, you know it takes most major band years of even minor gigging to get anywhere.”

“Yeah,” Luke sighed. “I just have this feeling…we’ve got something.”

Suddenly he realized his hand was sweating, and looking down he noticed their hands were resting on top of each other. His heart was out of control, and he worried Alex could hear so. Glancing behind him, he ensured Reggie was still snoring on the sofa. A shiver went down his spine at the realization that they were all alone, only ones awake in his house.

Suddenly, he felt very small in the world.

“Well, whatever happens, I hope we have a lot going for us in ’94,” Alex offered. “This has seriously just been one of the best years. You guys have just seriously been the best. You…you’ve been great, Luke.”

He didn’t elaborate, but they exchanged a stolen glance and Luke understood. He knew Alex’s parents weren’t that easy to get along with. His parents were older, more conservative, more religious. They didn’t mind him being in the band, but they weren’t exactly super excited about it. When just the two of them were together though, they just clicked.

_God I like him._

Two minutes.

“Alex…” he asked, feeling so breathless he could hardly talk. What was happening to him? He wasn’t normally one to get swept up in the magic of the holidays, but it was like all those emotions that had been consuming him all year were surging inside him. He knew he liked Alex, more than a friend. He knew Alex was gay. He just…didn’t know what to do about that. “How did you know you were gay?”

Alex gave him a funny look, like he was somehow equal parts surprised and expecting that question.

“I…guess I just always knew,” he shrugged. “I think the key was realizing it was okay. Even if I was afraid to tell anyone, even though I knew my parents wouldn’t be okay with it, I realized that it was okay, how I felt.”

It hit Luke then…this is okay. Just like if he had a crush on a girl, he should really just go for it. What he felt for Alex, it was something he at least wanted to explore.

Why not?

One minute.

The cheering on the television grew louder. Reggie still slept soundly behind him, completely unbeknownst to the hormones raging on the floor.

What if Alex didn’t feel the same and he ruined everything? What if it ruined the band?

And what if he was one of those people, that never admit to how they felt and lived there whole life regretting everything?

“What if this is the best year of our lives?” Luke muttered under his breath, without realizing he had finished his thoughts out loud.

“What?”

Luke didn’t give him a chance to ask.

The clock struck midnight, and he surged forward, grasping the drummer’s hand with his as he captured Alex’s lips. His heart went from racing to feeling like it stopped altogether. Raising his free hand, Luke gently placed it on Alex’s chest to feel that his heart was racing as well. Their eyes lifted up, both of them totally ignoring the celebration on the television as they silently agreed to deepen the kiss. He knew Alex had kissed before, a boy he met at summer camp. He didn’t realize Alex had _this_ much talent in that department.

The normally quiet drummer carefully slipped his tongue into Luke’s mouth, exploring, making his chest tighten and sending a shiver down his spine.

It was…maybe a bit more than what he was expecting.

Luke broke away, a bit embarrassed that he was overwhelmed just by that one kiss.

But god.

A sloppy smile fell across his face, and Alex mimicked, the cutest of laughs escaping him.

“So…not just me, then?” Alex breathed, running a hand through his blonde strands. His bangs were just on the verge of being too long, hanging in front of his eyes at a slight angle. 

_God_ that hair…he was allowed to think those things now, right?

“No,” Luke laughed. “No…not just you. Is that…okay?”

Alex positively grinned now. Together, they fell back against the sofa, trying to catch their breath.

“More than!” Alex exclaimed quietly, looking up to check on Reggie once again. “He actually slept through that, didn’t he?”

Reggie just snored as the cheering on the television continued. They settled back down on the floor, both looking down as their hands locked.

“To 1994,” Alex whispered.

“The best year of our lives,” Luke grinned.

Unbeknownst to them, as they turned back to the television, watching the musical acts, both he knew, dreaming of when they could own a stage like that, dreaming of what this year could hold…1994 would also be the last full year of their living lives.

A week later, Luke finally had the nerve to ask Alex out on an official date. He had just enough money saved up to take him to dinner at the Hard Rock Café. It possibly was the corniest first date idea ever, but there was a local band they had both wanted to check out, both out of admiration and curiosity about their competition. They had decided to research other bands who were just a little bit older than them, who had successfully started gigging around the area, to see what they did and how they developed as a band. Luke told Alex they should dress casually, both because frankly didn’t own anything much nicer than the denim jacket and black jeans he wore and to hopefully not make it too obvious they weren’t on a super awkward first date. They didn’t want to get too far ahead of themselves. They definitely were and always would be amazing friends. Tonight, they were just good friends, having dinner, checking out a band…and figuring out whatever _this_ was.

As soon as Luke noticed Alex walk into the restaurant, ask the hostess for where his party was seated, and showed up in a casual blazer and light-colored faded jeans, a red tie-dyed shirt, and converse sneakers, his heart skipped a few beats. The palms of his hands were sweaty.

The realization fell over him. It didn’t matter how much he tried to sugarcoat it or avoid the reality.

This. Is. A. Date.

All they didn’t have was some flowers.

 _Should I have gotten flowers?_ He thought. _Do guys do that?_

“Hey,” Alex greeted nervously as the hostess dropped him off at the table. Luke was a bit relieved when he sat on the other side of the table and not by him.

“Hey,” Luke breathed.

They were both blushing.

They were hopeless.

“Let’s just…have dinner and enjoy the band,” Alex suggested.

Luke nodded, grateful Alex was clearly just as nervous.

They both ordered cheeseburgers and fries. Their usual. Safe. The band was due to start in ten minutes.

“So these guys, they’re from L.A., they met in high school like us,” Luke spoke up. Maybe music was the safe way to start. It was always their fallback, something they had so much in common with it was like they were freaking musical soulmates. “I know the Hard Rock seems like small potatoes…”

“Dude, I’d love to play the Hard Rock!” Alex cut in. “Do you think they get free food?”

The guitarist grinned.

Yes, he decided, this was definitely his guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! I would love to know what you think so far! Thank you for reading, kudos and comments!


	3. Valentine's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!!

Valentine’s Day was historically one of Luke’s most hated days of the year.

It was so fake, so materialistic, filled with such obligation.

_I wouldn’t even want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, even if I had a date,_ he had always told himself.

That turned out to be a lie.

Because in February of 1994, Luke Patterson had a date.

That night, he tried to make his parents’ living room as romantic as possible. His parents were both out for the evening and not due to be back until late, so obviously he was taking full advantage of having the house to himself. He placed one of his mom’s table cloths over their dining table. He lit freaking candles. He tried to find some kind of smooth jazz to play, but nothing felt right and he got too embarrassed, worried he was taking it too far.

It was the most unlike himself he had ever felt, but he decided this is what you do, when you’re in high school and you have your first official Valentine’s Day with your boyfriend.

The doorbell rang at exactly 6:45 PM, and Luke’s lips turned up in a smirk. He had asked Alex over at 7:00 PM, but wasn’t surprised at all when his excessively punctual boyfriend was 15 minutes early. He opened the door, and his breath hitched when he saw Alex standing there, wearing nice dark denim slacks and a light blue sweater. His hair was combed a bit too nicely- Luke himself had spent an actual half hour on his own.

He was carrying roses.

His face was nearly bright pink with anxiety.

“Um…hi. These are for you.” He shoved the roses in Luke’s hand, looking positively embarrassed. “Sorry if it’s super corny, but you know, Valentine’s Day and all…”

“No, they’re nice,” Luke stammered. “Dinner is basically ready.”

The oven beeped right on cue, and they both let out an awkward laugh.

“Okay, we have to stop,” Alex snorted. “This is way too much pressure.”

Luke let out a long sigh of relief.

“Thank god. Can you believe I spent almost an hour trying to pick out jazz music?”

“I don’t even hear any jazz?"

“Exactly! I was too nervous to pick anything!”

They laughed again, more naturally, and Luke finally felt like he could be himself again. The roses, he had to admit, did warm his heart but he’d have to tell his mother he got them for her to avoid a million interrogations about his dating life.

Their dinner was downed way too fast, and after carefully cleaning up the kitchen, and making sure the table cloth was exactly back where he found it, they settled down on the sofa. The couple stared at the TV, not exactly sure what to do now. Luke's skin crawled, his body felt abnormally hot and his breathing a bit short and shallow the more time he spent this closely with Alex.

“So…” Luke announced nervously.

“So…”

Slowly they turned toward each other and leaned forward, their eyes meeting, glistening in agreement before their lips sealed. Warmth flooded through him as the kiss deepened; his hands grasped Alex’s arms, holding him steady. Neither spoke; the house was silent as their lips danced. His head buzzed, overwhelmed with desire, want, and nerves. He dared to open his eyes, and his heart skipped a beat at how at east Alex looked, his eyes blissfully closed. Alex never looked this relaxed. 

Suddenly Alex shifted, and Luke found himself being gently lowered into the sofa. He settled into the cushions, trying to adjust so his head hit the pillow at a better angle. It was the first time they had done this, this level of kissing, and it felt…liberating. Soft kisses danced down his neck, tickling his skin.

“Luke,” his boyfriend breathed before their lips met again.

His hands pushed up against Luke’s shirt, he shivered as his cold hands rubbed against his bare chest. He tried to deepen the kiss as passionately as he could, though it was like his whole body was tense beyond his control. He wanted to relax, but his mind was racing, knowing this was all going further than he imagined. Of course, he had dreamed, he had hoped…

But this was also the same couch his parents sat and watched Jeopardy on. And he didn’t have any idea what he was doing. He hoped to at least have a bit more experience doing _anything_ before going there. And what if he was terrible and it was a huge turn off? What if for some crazy reason his parents came home early and walked in on them?

Luke reached up, gently pushing Alex back as he shot up. He let out a shaky breath as he ran his hand through his disheveled hair. His lips felt a bit swollen, his face was burning hot. Alex quickly jumped away, brushing away his own hair as he breathed slowly.

“I’m uh…I’m not ready to do anything,” Luke admitted.

His boyfriend’s eyes went wide and his face melted with guilt.

“No! No, neither am I,” Alex promised. “I just thought we’d make out awhile.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Luke felt like an idiot. Of course. This was Alex, for god’s sake. If they really were going to…go there…he’d likely want to have a big talk about it first, carefully plan everything. He wouldn’t just spring it on him on his parents’ sofa.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

He felt sick. How had he let stupid nerves get the better of him that easily?

“No, Luke, please. I’m sorry if it was too much. I just…I feel more relaxed with you than anything else.”

Gently, he brushed Luke’s bangs out of his eyes, throwing him a comforting smile.

“I forget you’re a bit more experienced than me,” Luke admitted, blushing. “I don’t know why I got so anxious.”

“I really don’t have that much experience,” Alex promised, “and if anyone understands anxiety, it’s me.”

Luke shook his head. Why was his best friend, who was easily the most anxious person Luke knew, far more comfortable with a simple makeout session than him?

“Take my hands,” Alex said softly. He searched Luke’s eyes, asking for trust, and Luke nodded as he gently took the drummer’s hands. Both their palms and fingers were littered with callouses and tiny cuts from hours and hours of practicing, but he did feel totally secure as their fingers locked together. “Look at me.”

The quiet plea made the hair stand on his arms. His body unintentionally tensed again, but as he obeyed and met his boyfriend’s soft, welcoming, eyes he felt that tension begin to melt away. An arm wrapped around him, a hand (warm now) caressed his neck.

“Feel that?” Alex whispered, gently rubbing his neck with his fingers. Luke nodded. “It’s kind of like any other anxiety, you have to try to get out of your own head. Funny enough, that’s pretty easy for me with you. But I know this is all very new to you, so it’s okay. I’m so not ready to go there, I promise. Never let me push anything too far, okay?”

Luke nodded again and let out a shaky sigh. He couldn’t have been more grateful to be with someone so understanding, so patient. He felt so lucky.

“It really wasn’t too far,” he confessed, his lips turning up in a grin. “I think that was perfect, the kissing part…if you want to, again…I mean, practice makes perfect right?”

It was a terrible joke, but Alex offered him a laugh and leaned forward, locking his lips once again.

Eventually they settled into the sofa together, Alex holding Luke against him and _that_ was nice. Just cuddling. Who knew? They put on Blade Runner- easily the dozenth time they’d seen it already, but it was a good one to just sit and watch and not have to think so much about the fact that he was, in fact, cuddling on the sofa with a _boyfriend_. His mind was so grateful for the break from all the anxiety and expectations of the night, knowing it had gone perfectly, that Luke found his eyes fluttering shut.

When he woke up, the clock read 10:30 PM. There was just static on the television. Luke shot up, his heart pounding as he shook awake Alex, who had apparently fallen asleep behind him.

“Dude, get up! We fell asleep.”

His eyes darted around the house, relieved to see that nothing was disturbed. Just for good measure, he checked out the window and sure enough his parents were no where to be seen.

“Shit!” Alex hissed as he jumped to his feet, running his hand through his mop of hair. “My parents are going to kill me!”

Luke went over to the answering machine, and sure enough there were three missed calls from Alex’s number. He frowned.

“Your parents called here like, three times. I thought you told them you had a date.”

Alex had bashfully admitted that while he could have just told his parents they were hanging out and enjoying a date-free Valentine’s Day as guys, he had wanted a good excuse to look nice. His mom even gave him money to buy the roses…they had both grinned madly, imagining if his mom had any idea they were bought for him.

“They always call here when they can’t find me,” Alex pointed out.

“Right.”

They stood facing each other now, both dreading the inevitable goodbye. Luke could kick himself for wasting so much time sleeping, but his body was still warm and relaxed from being held for so long. It was the perfect night.

“This was really, really great,” Alex announced. “Thank you. I’ve never had a Valentine’s Day like this, ever.”

“You mean you’ve never made out with a dude on his parent’s couch and fell asleep watching a sci-fi movie on Valentine’s Day?” He teased. “Go figure.”

They laughed, and the hair stood up a bit on his arms as he was met with a final kiss of the night. Luke longed for the touch again as Alex pulled away, but worshipped the bright grinned he received instead.

“Let me walk you home,” Luke offered. “It’s late, you know. Lots of weirdoes out.”

He was desperate for even a few more minutes with his boyfriend, but Alex just laughed again.

“Dude, I live a few blocks over, I’ll be fine.”

And knowing Alex, he would purposefully take a ridiculously sneaking route back home, in case his worried parents were actually out looking for him.

“Goodnight,” Luke breathed.

Alex nodded.

“Goodnight.”

He waited until the front door was fully closed and he watched through the windows as Alex, sure enough, crossed through the back yard to take a different route instead of simply walking down the street. Grinning to himself, he felt a huge relief wash over him at just how successful that night went. He couldn’t help but to jump up, punching the air to celebrate.

In 2020, Luke paused for a long moment, knowing he had gone into just far too much detail already. But reluctantly he could admit Julie was right. Talking through just everything was already helping him process. While it was heartbreaking to relive those memories, of a time they were all alive and happy, together, it felt nice too. He was relieved to see that Julie was grinning ear to ear at him.

Reggie, on the other hand had his fingers in his ears and eyes closed, clearly trying to block out the romantic details.

“He’s done, Reggie!” Julie teased, shaking him. “There was no R rated stuff, promise.”

The bassist let out a sigh of relief as he let his hands down.

“Thank god,” he breathed. “I did not want to be the only one of us who died a virgin.”

“Oh no, you definitely were,” Alex stated, so calmly that Luke couldn’t help but to snort. Reggie cursed, throwing his hands in the air. Julie was red-face, looking away in embarrassment even as she stifled a laugh. Luke shoved Alex gently, nodding her way in warning. “Sorry Julie.”

She just shook her head and reached for a sip of water.

“Don’t worry, I was the one who asked for a heart to heart about a relationship between two teenage boys. I totally deserve this.” She sat her water back down while Reggie fumed. “But seriously Luke, that was the most adorable story I’ve ever heard. You two sounded like you were really good together.”

Alex fidgeted beside him, clearly uncomfortable and looking ready to bolt. Luke stared down at the floor, desperately avoiding her eyes.

“So…” Julie swallowed nervously, starting to sound too in over her head. She looked again to Reggie. “You really didn’t know about any of this?”

“Oh, he was about to find out,” Luke promised. He took in a deep breath. Against his better judgement he placed a hand on Alex’s knee, which had been bobbing up and down madly, a sure sign his anxiety was rising. Quietly and directly to the drummer, Luke asked: “You sure it’s okay for me to continue? We really don’t have to do anymore of this right now.”

His ex shook his head.

“Nope, we need to talk this through. It’s just a bit like ripping off a very painful band aid very slowly.”

Luke understood the feeling exactly. Drawing in a deep breath, he admitted:

“So it was March, when the guys finally caught us…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Present time won't cut in often, cause that would be a bit cheesy, but it is fun :) Hope you enjoyed the new chapter! Someone is definitely a bit head over heels! I'd love to know what you think so far! Thank you so much for the comments and kudos!


	4. Found Out

The two managed to keep their relationship a secret for almost exactly three months. It got to the point where they really didn’t even intend to, but Luke had to admit he enjoyed the secrecy. _No one_ knew he was gay but Alex. While part of him felt guilty keeping a secret from Reggie, the two had been friends for a few years and knew so much about each other that it just felt nice to have something that was totally him. His parents not only knew most everything else but rarely approved, and he could only imagine what his mom would say about having a boyfriend… _don’t you want to get married and have children? You’re my only chance at having grandchildren!_

Alex especially didn’t mind keeping the secret. His parents were very conservative and most definitely would not be okay with the relationship. It was enough, Luke knew, that Alex was allowed to be in the band- though his parents had no idea they were starting to get legit gigs lately.

The more they snuck around, the more Luke realized that it was a bit of a…turn on, almost, to nearly get caught. It wasn’t like they were _doing_ anything, but it had become like a game to see how long they could keep this up without one of their parents or the guys finding out. They’d make out in the studio just before practice, sneak a kiss before a gig or even in an empty classroom at school.

What they hadn’t done…was kissing in public. He wasn’t sure why the idea of it made his skin crawl. Maybe it was because he knew Alex was that anxious about their relationship, or because it would be the easiest thing to get them actually caught and he would have to come out, but it was just something they both quietly avoided.

One day the band planned a late-night meeting at the beach. There was a particular quiet spot they hung out, close enough to Reggie’s house that he could easily sneak out to and close enough to a bus stop or bike ride for the other guys. They had a wedding gig coming up, which normally they wouldn’t freak out about but it was for Alex’s cousin, and he was more than a bit nervous about it.

“My family just does not get the band stuff,” he told Luke as they sat on the shore, their bare feet soaking in the cool saltwater. “This is the first chance any of them have taken an interest in my music so it’s like the perfect opportunity to show them how good we are.”

“I still don’t get why you care what they think,” Luke shrugged. “You’re a phenomenal drummer, you don’t need their approval. My family could care less about the band as long as I graduate high school, and I don’t care.”

“Yeah,” his boyfriend whispered. “I don’t know, I just…already feel like they’d be disappointed enough if they knew about me. Maybe if I can do great with the band, really blow them away there will be something they’ll be proud of.”

Luke stole a glance around the beach. The tourists had long since cleared out, and there weren’t enough locals anywhere close to them to notice anything but two distant figures sitting on the shore. He slipped an arm around Alex’s waist to draw him closer.

“They’ll be _so_ proud.”

The blonde turned to look at him, just offering him a simple nod but Luke could tell he secretly wanted- needed- more. Luke didn’t let himself overthink it. He knew they were okay. They were at the beach, but it was just them. He stole a simple kiss, just to test the waters, and was relieved when Alex accepted, relaxing into it and drawing it out…

When someone coughed behind him, Luke jumped away so fast he actually bit the other’s lip. His heart nearly screeched to a stop. He looked up to find Reggie and Bobby, both grinning madly above him. While he was a bit relieved it was them and not just some random stranger…it was still them. And how had he been so careless?

They jumped to their feet, Alex wiping at his lip.

“Sorry,” Luke mumbled.

Reggie held out a hand to Bobby.

“Ten bucks man, a deal’s a deal.”

Luke glared at them. So obviously, they knew!

“How did you know?” Alex asked quietly.

“First of all, you’ve never been impressed with any of my girlfriends, ever, or even slightly jealous, and some of them have been hot,” Bobby said with a smirk. He looked over to Reggie to explain the rest.

“And we’ve totally noticed the chemistry between you!”

“Chemistry?” Luke questions.

He stole a look to Alex. While their relationship had been fun, exciting, warm, everything Luke needed that year…for some reason he really hadn’t considered the actual chemistry between them. He was so caught up in everything, and Alex was still his best friend so he was just so used to being around him. Were they that obvious? Did they have…chemistry? Had _everyone_ noticed? He was relieved when Alex seemed just as clueless as he was.

“You guys are totally always making googly eyes at each other!” Reggie grinned. “And Luke, you’re always turning around and playing to Alex in rehearsals. I’ve missed my mic sharing buddy!”

“And you guys are always the first to arrive and leave a rehearsal,” Bobby offered. Luke groaned; how had he not realized how obvious that would be? “Seriously, we weren’t born yesterday.”

Luke felt so stupid. He and Alex’s hands even hovered close together but out of habit, didn’t dare to touch.

“So you guys are like…cool with this?” Luke asked hopefully.

His biggest fear had not even been either of their parents, it was changing anything with the band. They had such a good thing going, and he was so afraid of ruining it because of feelings.

“I think it’s great!” Reggie exclaimed.

“Yeah man, happy for you both!” Bobby gave them both a slap on the shoulder, but somehow Luke got a feeling he was still a bit uneasy. He knew Bobby wasn’t homophobic, but as far as Luke knew they were the only gay people he knew.

It was then that it hit him…he was officially out. He wasn’t sure if it counted just with the person you were with. Now, there was no turning back. Cautiously, he reached the rest of the way for Alex’s hand, locking their fingers together. He offered Alex a soft smile, hoping he wasn’t too freaked out, but he could practically see the wheels spinning in his boyfriend’s head.

“It’s okay,” Luke told him softly. “Nothing’s going to change.”

Alex didn’t look convinced, but always the pro at keeping a straight face, simply turned away and set his eyes on the ocean before them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy :) Thanks for reading!


	5. Chicken Noodle Soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little lighter of a chapter before we get into heavier stuff :)

In April, Alex had mono.

His parents were furious, determined that he must have caught it from kissing someone, though the doctor had tried to explain it didn’t always work like that. Luke, thankfully, had not been sick because that would make them a bit obvious. Alex was out of school for quite awhile, something Luke was totally jealous of, but he knew his boyfriend was going mad with boredom. He hadn't actually been to Alex’s house since they became a couple, they really felt more comfortable hanging out on their own on the beach or at the studio, but Luke was dying to see him.

That’s how he found himself standing with a container of chicken noodle soup and a bag filled with comics, some VHS movies and a songbook of ideas Luke was working on. He knocked on the door, not exactly sure what to expect.

A middle-aged blonde woman carefully opened the door. She looked _tired_ , he thought. She wore a robe and slippers, at three in the afternoon, and Luke had a feeling she could really care less who was at the door or what they wanted. She gave him a funny look.

“Yes?” Mrs. Mercer asked carefully.

“Is Alex awake?” He asked, feeling a bit embarrassed suddenly to be standing there. “I’m a friend of his, from the band?”

She just stared back at him.

His face fell. He was pretty sure Alex had told his parents about the band…surely…by now? It was hard enough not being able to tell anyone about being Alex's boyfriend, but now his family didn't know that Luke existed?

“Sunset Curve?” He asked with a nervous smile. She just shrugged. He sighed. “I’m a friend of his from school. I brought him some soup and stuff for him to do. And some homework.”

There really was some of that in there too, at least he was pretty sure he remembered to bring it. That seemed to get her attention.

“Sure, come in,” she sighed.

Luke had never met a real depressed person before, but he was sure Alex’s mom was; he wondered if his friend had noticed. He stepped into the ranch, which looked surprisingly a bit like his own house. There weren’t many pictures on the wall, he noticed, but everything was tidy and in its place.

Until she led him to Alex’s room.

Alex’s room was filled with band posters- the Abby Road cover, Led Zeppelin, various Pink Floyd posters, Bowie. Laundry was thrown all over the floor. No surprise, Alex sat up in bed, drumming madly on a notebook in bed.

“Hey,” Luke greeted as he slipped into his boyfriend’s room.

He felt like he was intruding a bit by stepping inside the room, but his boyfriend grinned.

“Hey,” Alex greeted, his throat sounding painfully sore. Luke winced. “Sorry, mono is killer. It’s really good to see you. God I’ve missed the band, I’ve…I’ve missed you.”

Luke knew he wasn’t supposed to get to close, he especially should not be kissing Alex, and butterflies did cartwheels in his stomach, desperate to do something more than just stand in the doorway.

“I’ve missed you too,” Luke breathed. “I brought you some stuff. Some comics, movies, soup…ok, so it’s canned soup and I just put it in the container.”

There was that sweet Alex smile again.

“Thanks. You know…I keep hearing this is the kissing disease. Supposedly you can carry it without knowing.”

He winked at Luke, and while he knew the drummer was only teasing and not blaming him, he somehow felt a bit guilty. What if he really had given him this somehow?

“I’m so sorry, if I-“

He glanced behind him, at the open door, stopping himself short of saying _gave this to you by kissing_.

“No, I'm teasing! Even if you did, I got out of that algebra test so…worth it.”

Luke laughed; well, at least there was that.

“I did bring you some homework,” he admitted.

“Dang,” Alex chuckled. “I might just be that _bored_ though.”

They both exchanged smiles, and Luke absolutely hated that he couldn’t get any closer to him. He scooted the bag of stuff closer to the bed, keeping the soup so Alex’s mom could heat it up later. He really wasn’t ready to leave, and he wasn’t being kicked out, so he decided to find a comfortable spot to lean against the door and chat.

“So…did you see The Simpsons last night?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love any feedback and comments you have! Thank you all for reading!


	6. Panic Attacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my fellow anxiety sufferers :/

Mid may, Bobby finally convinced his dad (a music business lawyer) to see if he could hook them up with any of his music friends for some recording studio space. It was like the floodgates opened when Bobby rushed into the studio one day, announcing they could have three hours on Sunday for a demo. They had a few songs pretty polished and stayed up for the next few nights straight finishing a few more. They would only get a few hundred copies, enough to pass around at some gigs and have a copy for any producer that might be around.

That next Sunday none of them had gotten more than a collective fifteen hours of sleep that week. At this point Luke was bouncing with nervous energy. He had bought new strings for his electric but was too afraid to change them out, afraid they might get in and one might snap for some reason or like the new strings would jinx them. Reggie had for some reason informed them he had worn the same pair of lucky boxers since they got the demo news.

Luke didn’t tell his parents they were recording a demo; he thought it better to just claim he was going to just a normal gig. He was sure his mom would freak out even more if she knew they had reached that stage in the band. He had tried calling Alex to see if he’d want to take the bus over with him, but there was no answer. Knowing Alex, he realized, he likely was going to be there a good half hour early. What Luke didn’t expect was to get off the bus to find Alex sitting on the curve, drumming nervously on the side of the street. His hands shook even as he drummed.

“Dude I called your house, I thought we’d come over together. How long have you been here?”

“About an hour and a half,” Alex mumbled, not looking at him.

Sitting down, Luke placed a gentle hand on the drummer's shoulder.

“An hour and a half?” Luke echoed.

“Yeah, you know…in case the bus broke down, or I got the time wrong, or I left something at home, or if there was some awful wreck and a traffic jam, or if I got the address wrong, or the day wrong...”

Luke could have sworn he could practically hear Alex’s heart beating out of control. He knew that Alex tended to be anxious, and that this had gotten worse in the past few months as the band got more and more gigs and it interfered more and more with school. He would practically looked like he was going to vomit before tests. He had a new little routine that he had to do before every gig, which did include getting there a bit early, but not _this_ early.

“I didn’t realize you were that nervous about it, I’m sorry,” he offered, feeling like an asshole. “I should have realized.”

His boyfriend shook his head.

“I thought I was okay until last night,” Alex confessed. “Then I started realizing just all the things that could go wrong. Like what if I woke up with a sore throat?”

“You haven’t felt sick in three weeks!”

“I know that, I do. But I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t shut the thoughts off. Now, even though I’m here, and you’re here now my brain still won’t shut off. What if it doesn’t shut off by the time we have to play? Why am I always like this?”

When his boyfriend gazed at him, he looked so scared and Luke felt so helpless. Alex was actually shaking now; Luke took both of his arms in his hands.

“You're going to be brilliant. We’re ready for this! You’ve been amazing on every single rehearsal!”

“I know! I know, that’s why I don’t get it. But it’s like I’m blanking out, I can’t even remember the music. I can barely even breathe.”

That’s when Luke realized his boyfriend was starting to hyperventilate.

“I feel really hot,” Alex mumbled.

And he looked sweaty. Alex couldn’t like…have a heart attack, right? He was only sixteen!

Luke looked around in a panic, hoping to find anyone else who could help him handle this. How did he just have no idea what to do?

“It’s not hot out,” was all Luke could say. “You’re okay, I think you just need to take a deep breath…”

But Alex wasn’t hardly breathing any kind of decent breaths right now. Luke jumped to his feet, both wanting to go in search of help and desperately not wanting to leave his friend.

“Alex, you’re okay. You’re with me, at the studio. Reggie and Bobby are going to be here any minute now. We’re not going to go in there until you’re ready, yeah? You’ve just gotta…you’ve just gotta breathe.”

 _I wish my mom were here, he found himself wishing,_ for the first time in a long time.

His mom was a nurse, she would know what to do.

At that moment, as he was looking for help he noticed a woman across the street getting out of her car, wearing scrubs and carrying a cup of coffee.

“Hey!” Luke screamed after her. “Hey, I need help!”

He clearly started her, but he was relieved when she came running.

“What’s wrong?” Her work badge said that she was an RN from a nearby hospital.

“I think he’s having like, a heart attack or something. He was just so nervous, I can’t get him to calm down.”

The nurse offered him an understanding smile, and suddenly Luke felt so stupid. Clearly this was not an emergency. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder:

“What is your friend’s name?”

“Alex.”

They both crouched down on the ground beside the drummer. He wasn’t sure how the nurse was so calm, finding two random teenage boys one in complete panic, one having some kind of medical emergency, just in the middle of the street but he couldn’t have been more grateful someone else was there.

“Do you have any medical conditions, Alex?” The nurse asked calmly, reaching up to take his pulse. The drummer shook his head.

“We have some studio time here,” Luke explained. She looked at him skeptically until she noticed the drumsticks and guitar. “He was just a bit nervous, then it was like he couldn’t breathe.”

Alex beat his fist against his chest, as though to indicate it hurt. Luke swallowed nervously, wondering if he should trust this lady or if he should run inside and call 911.

“Right,” the nurse stated, “Alex, I think you’re having a panic attack. Can you listen to the sound of my voice and try to match my breathing?”

Fascinated, Luke watched as the nurse breathed slowly through forced breaths and Alex mimicked. The guitarist found himself doing the same…and it even helped him. Alex seemed to already be feeling better within a couple of minutes.

“Wiggle your fingers a bit,” she said quietly. The drummer obeyed. They stayed there for another quiet minute, and Luke was pleased to see that Alex was at least not full on shaking anymore. “So you guys are a band?”

She glanced up at Luke.

“Yeah…Sunset Curve, he’s our drummer.”

“Who is your favorite drummer?” She asked.

Luke grinned, knowing what Alex would say:

“John Bonham.”

The nurse asked him some carefully chosen questions about favorite albums and songs, things that required him to take his mind off his anxiety. She asked him to name colors he could see, things he could smell, sounds.

Just ten minutes later, Alex seemed to totally calm.

“I…I think I’m okay,” Alex said, blinking as he looked up to Luke.

He almost looked confused, like he wasn’t even sure what he was doing there.

“Thank you,” Luke said to the nurse as she stood up. “Sorry, I can’t offer you anything-“

“No, no I’m just glad I could be here,” she smiled. This time she looked Luke in the eye, requesting his attention. “Often, when panic attacks are brought on there are symptoms beforehand, like you might feel hot or nauseous.”

“Yeah, he kept saying that!”

“Breathing exercises are really helpful when this happens, and distracting your senses. Asking questions that divert away from the anxiety. I think he’ll be perfectly fine, but definitely get some help if it happens again, you did the right thing.”

That made him feel a lot better. He nodded, and she offered his arm a comforting squeeze before she collected her things from the pavement to trek back to her car. As soon as she walked away, Luke offered a hand to Alex to help him up. His boyfriend took it gratefully, and immediately engulfed in him a hug.

“Thank you,” Alex whispered. “I had no idea what was happening, it felt like I was dying. I feel so stupid now, clearly I was okay.”

“Panic attacks sound terrifying,” Luke argued, shaking his head. “She said it was causing those symptoms. I mean, how are you supposed to know if it’s that or your heart? I just…I really wished you would have let me come here with you this morning. I don’t care if we’re here two hours early. And call my house, next time you’re up all night thinking of all the ways everything’s going to go wrong. Cause you know me, I’ll shoot every one of those fears down.”

He grinned as they pulled away, and finally a beautiful smile fell across Alex’s lips.

“I’ll call,” he promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're liking this fic so far :) would love to hear any comments you have. Thanks so much for reading!


	7. Let's Talk About Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning? Sex talk. No actual smut.

June 1st, 1994 was Reggie’s 16th birthday, and all he wanted was a camping trip. That Friday night the four boys piled into Bobby’s beatup old Volkswagen and headed to a spot a good hour away from the city. It was nice, Luke admitted, to breathe in some fresh, non-polluted, air and to get away from the sounds of traffic and sirens.

Plus, he got to spend a whole night in the woods, with his boyfriend. Reggie was bound to be asleep by 10:30, and Bobby wasn’t the stay up and talk all night type like he and Alex were…

Today was exactly his and Alex’s fifth month anniversary. For months now they had been close, closer to Alex than he ever could have imagined he’d be. While they had done…stuff, they had rounded all the bases except home. The closer they were, the more Luke realized he was comfortable with the idea of intimacy and sex and the more he _wanted_ it. Over a painfully awkward dinner date, at a McDonalds of all places (best they could afford on busking money), they had both admitted they might be ready, if an opportune and organic time came, but a couple of weeks had pasts, full of plenty of make-out sessions that never progressed.

What was more opportune and organic than a night under the stars?

Just in case, he had picked up some things at the truck stop they stopped by to pick up snacks for the night. He forced himself to act normal, to _smile_ normal, though he was buzzing with nerves and anticipation. His stomach was in knots and he found himself having to remember to _breathe_. Whatever happened wouldn’t until well after dark…and the guys would be sleeping in a tent right near them. He’d have to lure Alex away to get any real privacy. So much could interfere with that.

To his relief, he found it easy to fall into a normal band hangout rhythm with the guys once they set up camp. They brought some hot dogs and marshmallows to roast over the fire, had cupcakes and sang happy birthday, and eventually broke out the guitars. While they had agreed no stressing out over band practice on the trip, they were musicians and couldn’t help but to take advantage of the chance to actually sing songs around the fire.

It was...nice. Really, really nice.

Luke felt relaxed, and found himself comfortable enough to relax back against Alex’s body, letting him run his hands through his hair and play with the brown strands as he sang along. Alex’s voice rang behind him, soft and smooth.

“This has been the _best_ birthday!” Reggie announced as they finished and he began re-tuning his guitar. “You guys wanna hear something I’m working on?”

“Not countr-“ he started to groan.

Alex nudged him, warning him. It was Reggie’s birthday, after all.

“Go for it, Reg,” Luke smiled.

Reggie was all grins as he set up his fingering and began. Almost instantly Luke’s face lit up, and the guys shared impressed looks. His voice was _strong_ and so clear, ringing through the night and echoing through the woods; though Reggie often did backing and harmonies, if there was a second solo to be had he usually grabbed it. By the second chorus the guys had picked up the melody and joined in, and Reggie beamed with pride. 

“That was really, really good,” Alex announced behind him. His fingers fell together with Luke’s, and another smile draped across Luke’s face.

“That was really good, Reg,” Luke offered. “We can definitely work on it, if you want. It would sound awesome on the backside of one of the ballads, transitioning from piano to the acoustics.”

“Yeah!” Reggie chimed in. “Or…a mandolin. I’ve been thinking of getting one…”

This time the guys all groaned.

“Fine,” Reggie sighed…and then yawned. Luke’s hair practically stood on his arms and his breath hitched. Had it really gotten that late? “Okay, one more marshmallow and I think I’m calling it a night. I kind of want to be up to watch the sunrise.”

“That actually sounds nice,” Bobby admitted; he shivered. “And it’s colder than I thought it’d be. I’m going to go grab another blanket from the van. Luke, you wanna come with?”

Luke raised an eyebrow. The van was hardly a quarter mile from their campsite, and he was highly reluctant to lift off of the weight of his boyfriend’s body. But Bobby winked at him and nodded toward the path that led to the van, and now Luke was intrigued.

They were quiet until about halfway down the path, when Bobby suddenly stopped and glanced back toward the campsite, as though to make sure they weren’t being followed. Luke raised his eyebrows, having no idea what was going on, but his eyes widened when Bobby fished in his pockets and pulled out his keys. He winked a second time as he placed the keys in Luke’s hand and covered his fingers over him.

“I know it’s your fifth month anniversary,” Bobby explained.

“How-“

He was blushing madly and had his eyes glued to the ground, totally embarrassed that he had been that obvious.

“Your first kiss was New Years,” Bobby rolled his eyes, “it’s not a secret, but Reggie hasn’t put two and two together. He had his great birthday campfire now, and you guys deserve a nice anniversary night. You and Alex are great together.”

He winked again…

“Dude, please stop winking, it’s freaking me out!”

“Trust me, sex on the ground is not as romantic as it sounds, especially for your first time-“

 _“Dude!”_ Luke warned, his face red and hot with humiliation. Was it that obvious that he was a virgin?!

Bobby just chuckled and shook the hand that had the keys in it.

“Just saying,” his friend replied. “And I won’t take the spare blanket, it’ll be a bit cold in there.”

He couldn’t believe he was actually getting instructions about using Bobby’s van…for sex. As they turned back Luke was shakier than ever, his heart pounded as he realized how close they were to doing this. When they returned to the campsite where the bassist was stretching, signaling a soon to be end to the night.

“Thanks a lot guys, really,” Reggie beamed. “This was the perfect birthday.”

“Don’t mention it,” Alex replied, “just wake us up for that sunrise, okay? That kinda sounds nice.”

Luke couldn’t help but to grin, because if all went well they’d likely be too exhausted to wake up by sunrise.

“I’m turning in too,” Bobby announced. He winked _again_ at him, and Luke could have killed him. “I guess I tossed out the spare blanket by mistake when we were moving equipment around. We might have to snuggle up if it gets too cold. Night boys.”

Reggie looked mortified at the joke, but a laugh escaped Luke, giving him an opportunity to finally _breathe_. As they entered the tent in the near distance, Alex and Luke stared as they were both, almost purposefully, left alone by the simmering flames. His boyfriend turned to him, a bemused look on his face.

“That wasn’t awkward at all,” Alex teased. He looked back down to the flames crackling from their fire and motioned to the ground. “I…kinda liked the whole cuddling by the fire thing, if you want to pick up where we left off?”

Drawing in a deep breath, Luke could only hope the warmth of the fire would help calm his nerves as he joined his boyfriend on the earth. He settled back down in his spot, his back to Alex’s chest, and for a long moment they just breathed, gazed at the fire, and held hands.

Then Alex’s lips brushed against Luke’s neck, and he genuinely feared he might actually melt to the ground. He allowed himself to be held, touched, soaking in the attention before gently turning to meet his partner’s lips with a soft kiss. A trail of kisses was placed down his chin, down his neck, and he positively _shuddered_.

“Cold?” Alex murmured.

He scooted closer to him, and the warmth of the fire was officially _not_ relaxing him at all. His arms slipped around Alex’s waist, holding him steady as he exchanged the favor, his lips returning to his boyfriend’s and his tongue gently prying them open. When they came up for air next, he knew it was now or never…

“Alex-“ He started with a hoarse whisper. He swallowed nervously; Alex’s eyes were staring desperately into his, as though begging that he would say it. “I’m uh…I’m ready. If you are, I mean, to…take things to the next level.”

Alex drew in a deep breath, looking as though he thought he might be dreaming.

“You…want to have sex?” He double checked.

Luke nodded

“Yeah…I do.”

His boyfriend glanced around the dark woods with an amused smile.

“Out here?”

His hands shook as he withdrew the Volkswagen keys from his pocket and presented him. He was relieved when they both shared a laugh at how ridiculous it was.

“I swiped them from Bobby,” Luke lied. “I know it’s not the most romantic place, and I’d totally do it in the woods with you, but you know…”

“The guys?” Alex teased, stealing a worried glance over to the tent, knowing they were most likely listening to everything they were saying. With any luck, Bobby had already put on his headphones and Reggie tended to fall asleep quickly if it was quiet enough, so he was hopefully already out.

“I was going to say coyotes, but yeah, them too.”

They laughed again, and as he studied his boyfriend and noticed how his body shook ever so slightly, his hands were clinging to Luke’s arms desperately to hold his balance and his eyes were blown wide with want, Luke was assured that he was not the only one who had thought, had hoped, this was where the night would go.

Quietly, Luke got to his feet and helped Alex up. Their sweaty palms stayed connected together as they walked down the silent path. The woods had never seemed so big an intimidating, it felt like it was just them in the world. When they reached the vehicle, Alex awkwardly waited behind him as he fought with the key; when the side door finally slid open they both jumped at the sudden noise. Luke stole a glance back to Alex, searching his eyes to make sure this was okay. Alex nodded as he reached out, taking his hand and allowed himself to be pulled in.

Okay, so Luke had most definitely left out some of the finer details in recounting this story as well, but he had to admit it was nice to replay his first time in his head. It wasn’t anything like he would have ever imagined it going- besides that he never imagined it being with a guy, let alone his best friend- but he had assumed they’d have to awkwardly do it in the studio or maybe really quick while one of their parents were out. Their situation was so much more private and intimate that Luke had envisioned.

Cautiously, he peeled an eye open to find his ex blushing madly beside him, his eyes pinned sharply to the floor instead of the group. In front of him, on the floor, Reggie’s mouth hung open in shock. Julie was stifling a laugh.

“You guys had sex on my birthday?!” Reggie shot.

Alex playfully pointed a finger toward Luke and muttered:

“His idea.”

“Oh I remember the idea being pretty mutual,” Luke mumbled.

Julie finally let out her laugh as Reggie groaned at Luke’s reply. The bassist shook his head in disbelief and turned to Julie:

“They had sex at my _birthday party_. That’s wrong, right?”

The singer only laughed harder, and Luke was relieved that she was taking this so well. He didn’t know many other girls who would be so comfortable sitting around talking to guys about this kind of stuff.

“It was a camping trip, Reg!” Luke complained. “And it happened to fall on our fifth month anniversary.”

“Are you sure you didn’t purposefully lure me into the woods for my birthday, claiming to have a party so you’d have an excuse to get away?”

“No!” Luke exclaimed. “The camping trip was your idea, remember? It was just…very convenient timing.”

“Can we _please_ move onto another part of the story?” Reggie pleaded bitterly. “I don’t understand what this has to do with unfinished business.”

Suddenly, Julie’s eyes lit up at the opportunity to delve into this deeper.

“Come on, Reggie, you can’t tell me you weren’t at least a little jealous of how close the two of them were getting?”

Luke stopped, and once again he felt terrible. Of course. While they had made sure to maintain their relationship with the band like normal, they had definitely been much closer than Luke had ever been with the other guys. Obviously. But he knew for those months they tended to go on lunch dates and grab ice cream by the pier without the guys, or would meet up before meeting up.

“They were just dating,” Reggie shrugged. “They were sometimes a little _tasteless_ about it, but Bobby did the same thing when he was with girls. He’d put the band on the backburner for a bit and then come running back after a breakup.”

“And what about you?” Julie asked, her eyes twinkling as she stared at the bassist. “Did you date?”

Reggie’s face fell. His hands were locked together at his knees, drawn to his chest, and he wouldn’t look at them.

“Reggie was a flirt,” Alex teased.

“Yeah, and that was about all I could do,” Reggie sighed. “Nothing was ever real, like with what you guys had. I never got to fall in love.”

His own heart sank. While he and Alex were no longer together, he had to admit it was nice to experience that teenage puppy love at least once before he died. That feeling of being cared for and wanted, physically and emotionally. It was a rollercoaster, it ended in heartache and more pain than Luke thought he was capable of feeling, but he wouldn’t have traded the experience for the world.

Now he was watching Alex fall in love all over again…with Willie.

Luke could try to deny it all he wanted, but it was obvious in the way Alex worried about Willie’s wellbeing when he wasn’t around, in how his eyes lit up when he was and how he immediately needed to pull him close for an embrace when they found each other again. He was happy for Alex, he really was. He really hadn’t thought there were any feelings left there that were worth saving…

He really _hadn’t_ thought so…

But the more he told his story, the deeper he realized that relationship really was. It was the relationship that taught him about who he really was, and it was so special he couldn’t put words in describing how important that time was in his life. 

“Not all teenagers fall in love, or even date,” Julie offered. Luke couldn’t help but to notice her cheeks tinted just slightly pink and noticed how she kept her eyes anywhere but looking toward him.

“I know,” Reggie sighed, “but they do eventually. I just never got to. Love was clearly not in the cards for me at all. It’s just depressing to realize.”

“On the bright side, you have us!” Alex pointed out, earning another glare from Reggie. “Not everyone gets three whole best friends in their life _and_ afterlife.”

Reggie rolled his eyes and Luke smirked.

“So,” Julie announced, to change the subject; she turned back to Luke, “why, exactly, do you think that memory was important to share?”

“Yes,” Reggie mumbled. “ _Why?!"_

In all honesty, the story had fallen out of him without really thinking about it. So much had happened that last year they were living, it really was a whirlwind of the year…equal parts thrilling and heartbreaking. But _that_ memory- Luke smiled to himself- it was easily the biggest highlight. Aside from the first kiss, of course.

It was also the first time he had allowed himself to relive the memory.

“I guess…I haven’t really been allowing myself to think back on all the good memories. I’ve been so worked up about this unfinished business stuff, and our band now. It’s just hard to remember those times.”

“Understandable, we died,” the bassist muttered.

Even still, Luke found his smile lingering. His eyes met Julie’s, and she threw a grin back at him.

“I think that’s really healthy, Luke. See, therapy! Helpful!”

A hand fell on his, and he looked up to see Alex’s eyes twinkling back at him. Luke knew what he meant without having to hear it: _I like that memory too_.

What Luke didn’t want to say in front of his ex, is he had felt too guilty to think back on those happy memories with Alex, while here in the afterlife with him, after they broke up. He felt like he should fully move in, and somehow that turned into burying everything deep down.

Letting out a deep breath, Luke found himself ready- and even a bit anxiously so- to continue. Reluctantly, he could admit that Julie was right: this was healthy.


	8. Just Keep Swimming

July 1994 was a stark contrast from July 1995.

For starters, they would survive the entire month.

Sunset Curve also hadn’t fully taken off yet. They were getting to the point where it felt like all it would take was for that one manager to see them play and things could really take off, but things were still slowed down enough to where they felt comfortable taking a day, like 4th of July, off. They were still playing at the Pier that night, of course- in fact a local restaurant had asked if they wanted to play during the dinner rush, before the fireworks, and Reggie had even negotiated free seafood as part of the deal. It was nice having a gig they felt like they could waltz into; they knew the vibe the crowds down at the beach liked.

So that day, instead of grueling rehearsal they decided to take advantage of a cloudless sky and 90 degree heat and have a day at the beach. They went early enough to secure a more secluded spot for themselves and the only thing on the agenda was sun, sand and waves until 5 o’clock.

Well, for Luke, Alex and Bobby the ocean was part of the plan. Bobby and Reggie took off on surf boards while Luke tried for the umpteenth time in his life to get Alex to swim. The drummer was laying back on a beach chair, still wearing one of his Bowie shirts with his swim trunks and sandals and was using a beach umbrella to block off any possibly sun hitting him. 

“Come on man, it’s beautiful out!” Luke whined from his spot in the sand beside him. “Just one dip in the ocean-“

“Dude, you know how I feel about the ocean! I don’t swim and I _definitely_ don’t swim with fishes.”

“They’re so itty bitty you hardly even notice them!” Luke pointed out. “Please! I can’t go swimming alone, I’ll look like a dork.”’

“You look like a dork anyway.”

Their eyes twinkled as they met; their hands just barely touched. He caught Alex glancing around the beach, taking in the families feeling in the beach around them. With a sigh, Luke backed off and sank in the sand.

“So we’re just going to sit here all day and watch Reggie and Bobby have fun?” He mumbled.

Alex waved a hand toward where Reggie was getting to ready to take on a wave that was clearly too powerful for him.

“Wait for ittttt,” Alex sang out, the corners of his lips turned up in a wicked grin.

They didn’t have to wait long for Reggie to wipeout, struggling with his board as he tried to get afloat long enough to swim back to shore.

“Okay, this is a little fun,” Luke admitted.

The two exchanged grins as Luke reached for another soda from the cooler as their other two friends ran back to the beach to join them.

“You guys really aren’t going to get in?” Bobby teased. “The waves are great out there!”

“Except that one,” Reggie shot, throwing an accusing finger toward the ocean. “Next one will be better.”

Still he looked defeated as he took a seat in the sand and grabbed some water.

“You’re going to be so burned tomorrow,” Alex warned him, and Luke couldn’t help but to snicker. Reggie was ghostly pale against the harsh noon sun.

“At least I’ll be able to say I had fun,” Reggie mumbled even as he grabbed some sun screen and handed it to Bobby. “Do my back?”

“Dude, _no_.”

Luke rolled his eyes as he took the sunblock and helped his friend out.

“Alex won’t swim,” he shot to his friends.

“Every beach trip,” Reggie snorted.

Alex shrugged, as though to say _and every beach trip I have to explain why_.

Glancing at his watch, Luke was torn between wanting to not leave his boyfriend alone on the beach to just watch them have fun and actually have some fun in the water himself.

“You know sharks haven’t been seen around this part of the beach in years, right?” Bobby asked.

“It’s really not about the sharks,” Alex mumbled.

His face was blushing as he clasped his hands over his knees, drawn to his chest. It was a look Luke knew well. He had gotten close enough to Alex over that year to know there were multiple levels of worry going on in his brain right now. Always at the forefront was their relationship, and not even in a shameful way but the longer they stayed together the more and more paranoid Alex got over _what if my dad finds out_? What about when the school finds out?

Then there was always the band and their safety- the worry that one of them would get hurt or sick and wouldn’t be able to play.

But then there were times when nerves just rattled him, for no apparent reason, and maybe it was just always easiest to give into them but secretly, if he could be pushed enough…he’d get there.

“Then what is it?” Luke asked, trying to be careful and not scare him into clamming up.

“I just never learned how to swim.”

The guys just gaped at him.

While Luke and Reggie had known each other the longest, and he and Alex hadn’t met until eighth grade they had still gotten _close_ even in that short time. And many, many of their days during their friendship had been spent at the beach. Maybe they usually just hung out and played music. But how had he _never_ known this? 

“You grew up a couple of miles from the ocean and never learned to swim?” Luke asked.

Alex only shrugged again.

Luke knew what the likely answer was: it was probably intimidating enough for him to learn how to swim in a pool (which none of them had) let alone in the ocean.

“We can teach you to swim,” Bobby offered casually, as though it was just that simple.

He could practically hear his boyfriend’s heart beating faster at the suggestion, but at the same time there was a flicker of interest in the drummer’s eye. If he could just hold onto that interest and give him the boost of confidence he was looking for…

“Yeah, and we won’t even make fun of you, like with me learning to surf,” Reggie muttered.

Alex snorted.

“If you saw yourself wipe out three times in a row and still go for ridiculous waves, you’d laugh too.”

“Sorry if I'm ambitious!" Reggie shot.

“You’re lucky you haven’t sprained an ankle yet!”

That was it, Luke needed to reel this back in. Jumping to his feet, he slapped Alex on the shoulder and motioned toward the ocean.

“Well you won’t sprain an ankle learning to swim,” he pointed out. “And the four of us will be _right there_. You can totally do this! You can even keep your shirt on, we don’t care.”

“Yeah!” Bobby chimed in. “Come on, you’re sixteen. It’s time to learn.”

Their friend held out a hand and so did Luke, and when at last their drummer took their offer and got to their feet they cheered as they ran toward the ocean. Luke, of course, was conveniently ignoring the fact that he had no idea how to teach anyone to swim. Any progress at this point would be a huge confidence boost for Alex, and that’s all that mattered.

“I taught my sister to swim,” Bobby announced proudly when they got a few feet deep. “Here, just see if you can float for a bit.”

Alex looked at them all skeptically, and Luke squeezed his shoulder.

“You’re not going to drown,” Luke promised him. “Just squeeze my hand if it’s too much.”

His boyfriend nodded, still not looking at all convinced that there would be any point of this. Nevertheless he slowly sank down until he was on his back. Luke stayed on one side, holding his arm, where he knew Alex could keep an eye on him and Bobby was on the other, holding a hand under his back.

“Just float for a bit,” Bobby instructed calmly.

But beneath them, Alex was already starting to panic and stood up again.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, and for any little spike of confidence he had a moment ago he looked _miserable_ now.

“It’s okay,” Luke offered, “we can go as slow as we need.”

With another nervous nod, Alex lowered himself down again, looking entirely uncomfortable- but he was able to float for almost a full moment before shooting up again.

“I will never understand how you’re an actual rock god behind the drums at our shows but this small stuff freaks you out,” Reggie said sympathetically, shaking his head.

“I’ve never understood how this anxiety thing works,” Alex sighed. “It’s like I can’t clear my head. And I hate being the center of attention, that is literally why I like being the drummer, behind the band."

Beaming, Luke patted his shoulder and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand again.

“Well just focus on this face,” he teased, pointing at his own goofy grin. “Don’t think. That’s one of the best things about floating, you can just _be_. But it’s okay if you don’t want to-“

“No!” Alex cut in, shaking his head, determined. “No, I’m out here. Now or never, right?”

They all grinned at the reference to the latest song they had been working on, and Luke squeezed his hand as he again lay back on the water. Drawing in a few slow breaths, Alex again let himself try to float as Bobby helped him.

“You wanna try just a backstroke?” Bobby asked. “It might be easier for you than facing the water.”

He glanced at the other three, as though to say _you know, anxiety and all_. They nodded in agreement, and Luke was pleased to see Alex just go for it, without thinking twice. He actually managed a few backstrokes before loosing his balancing and lifting back up, but he was absolutely beaming.

“See!” Luke exclaimed as he helped to catch him. “Dude, that was awesome. It’s simple as that.”

“It’s just practice, like everything else,” Reggie pointed out, and then muttered under his breath, “like surfing.”

“I’m sorry!” Alex finally offered, turning sincerely to Reggie. “You’ve got so much more courage than me, you know I could never try to surf.”

 _We just can’t help that you’re such a goof,_ Luke teased only in his head. He knew that Reggie lived through his jokes and they had snuck over that fine line between joking around and hurting him.

Reggie dared at that moment to splash water at him, and Alex’s eyes lit up as he splashed back. Bobby suddenly leaped at Reggie, plunging into the water with him, and Luke couldn’t have felt more accomplished when Alex’s laughter rang out beside him.

“And that was the first and last time I ever swam in the ocean,” Alex announced, a bit too proudly, yet still a ghost of a smile spread across the drummer’s face as Luke fell quiet. Even Reggie was beaming now, and Julie was wiping away happy tears.

“You guys are seriously the most adorable group of friends ever!” She exclaimed, her eyes shining as they met Luke’s.

The guitarist was smiling sadly, his eyes quickly flashing down to his hands instead to try to hide how much the memory affected him.

“Happy memories, right?” Reggie asked quietly from the floor and Luke nodded, wiping at the tears already swelling in his eyes.

“Yeah, except the guy who taught me how to swim also stole all of our music…” Alex sighed.

Julie shook an accusing finger at him.

“Not the point,” she declared. “It’s good to be able to remember happy memories of you guys as friends and of Bobby. It’s okay to acknowledge that at one time, you guys were all friends and he meant a lot to you.”

The guys nodded silently, and Luke kept his eyes peeled on the floor as he admitted:

“I chose that one because it’s the last time I remember us just being kids. We weren't in full ambush mode yet with the band. I was still living at home, and it was just a fun Saturday at the beach."

“Yeah, the second half of that year got rough, fast,” Alex agreed.

Their lead singer looked between the three of them, studying Reggie in particular when he didn’t answer. The three guys knew the next part of their story wasn’t going to be full of any happy memories. The truth was the second half of 1994 was a chunk of time that Luke had hoped, on New Years 1995, that he could just move on from and one day it would just be a distant, sad, memory. That it was some of the last months of his life was just cruel and unusual punishment.

“What happened the second half of the year?” Julie finally asked quietly.

Luke and Alex both looked down at Reggie, who suddenly looked so small sitting on the floor, his knees curled up to his chest. He made sure he met his friend’s eyes, getting a clear understanding about how to proceed.

“We don’t have to keep going, Reg,” Luke told him.

But the bassist shook his head.

“No,” Reggie’s voice was almost hoarse as he forced himself to speak up. “Like Julie said…it’s good to work through these things. I just can’t tell the story, I don't think I could get through it, I'm sorry."

He nodded, understanding.

“Don’t worry, man,” he offered. “Any time you want me to stop…”

“It’s okay.”

His voice was nearly a whisper as he rested a chin on his arms, and Julie scooted subconsciously closer to their friend as though sensing where this this going. Luke hesitated, trying to decide exactly what details he should offer, knowing he would need to proceed more cautiously than at any point in their story so far. Even the guys hadn’t talked to Reggie about this since their death, but maybe he was right…it was time to learn to process these memories and not just act like this was a second life.

“So…my birthday, as you know, is in August,” Luke began quietly. He stole a cautious look to Alex, who just nodded, encouraging him to go on. “That birthday was the first time I had ever run away from home except…Reggie was already at the studio that night when I got there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next half of the year gets DARK...but it was also my favorite part of the story to write. Get ready for all the feels...
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for any comments and kudos! I'd love to know what you think, comments make me super happy :)


	9. Luke's Last Birthday/Reggie's Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: implied/references to child abuse/neglect.

August 15, 1994 was Luke’s seventeenth birthday.

He endured the usual birthday dinner with his parents, but this year more awkward than ever because his mom was angry that he had gotten a D on his history test. His dad was exhausted from back-to-back 12 hour shifts at the hospital. Emily did make his favorite, spaghetti, and they sat at the table, pretending like it was super special to be having spaghetti in the middle of August while not talking.

“So…” his dad awkwardly stated, clearly desperate to break the silence. “What did you and the guys do earlier today?”

The guitarist just shrugged.

“Just hung out. We worked on some music. We have a gig at Sundown next week, you know.”

He smiled, hoping that his parents would be impressed.

Instead, his mom’s eyes flashed with concern and she dropped her fork.

“Here we go,” Luke sighed.

His mom hadn’t been happy with any of his gigs. He was pretty sure she’s actually be happier if he just stayed in his room his whole life.

“Luke, that’s a _club_.”

Luke rolled his eyes, of course she wouldn’t even give him the chance to explain.

“Yeah, but on Thursday nights it’s eighteen and up.”

“You’re seventeen!”

“Yes, obviously!” He exclaimed, waving his hand to the cake waiting on the counter with a one and seven candle on it. Like he was still a freaking kid. “Bobby’s eighteen, and they’re cool with the rest of the rest of the band being seventeen since we’re just the music act. We’re just going to play a quick set, we’re not hanging out or anything. It’s a really big opportunity for us.”

Well, maybe part of that was a lie. He had totally hoped he’d be able to stick around for a dance with Alex. Even if it was just in the mesh of people there…he had seen Alex dance before, and he had to admit he was pretty good.

“They serve alcohol there!”

“Not to minors! I swear, you can call them and ask.”

She rolled her eyes instead.

“I’m sure.”

Luke smashed his fist against the table; both of his parents flinched but he didn’t care.

“You’re never going to care, are you?” He hissed. “We’re actually getting somewhere! We literally do not care about alcohol. We don’t care about any of that, we just want to play!”

That part was true. While the opportunity to dance at a real club with Alex was appealing, he really was excited just for the band to have the chance to heard at actual clubs. Not just weddings, restaurants, cafes or school dances. Actual venues, where legit local acts played on Saturday night.

“You’re too young! You didn’t even bother asking us if it was okay!”

Okay…maybe she had a point…but…

“You would have never said yes!”

“Because it’s a bad idea! You’re not allowed to play at clubs until you’re eighteen, at least.”

“ _At least_ ,” he rolled his eyes. “All you want me to do is just live my life here, at home, in my room, and never amount to anything unless it’s some kind of work in a hospital like you guys.”

“Health care work is good, stable career! It _means_ something.”

“SO DOES MUSIC!”

He was done. There was no reasoning with this woman. The more and more they fought, the more Luke knew if he wanted to get anywhere he was going to have to believe in himself more than either the two of them would ever believe in him. And he was absolutely not going to waste the rest of his birthday fighting over this; he had regretted ever even coming back home.

“I’m done,” he announced. “I’m going to go.”

His mother screamed after him as he left his plate half eaten, the cake untouched on the sofa, and fled to the studio where his true family waited for him.

For his whole afterlife, he would regret this moment, regret that he had not even given his mother the chance to give him his last ever birthday cake.

That was the first night he ever ran away to the studio. He had spent the night there before, sure. He had stayed too late at the guys’ houses and ended up spending the night, sure. But he had never actually run away from home. It wasn’t until he reached the studio, out of breath from biking at full speed, at 9pm that he realized just what he did. Did his parents think he was coming back? Should he go back? Should he call?

_I don’t have any food._

He wasn’t sure why he found himself so panicked about that. He knew there were snacks and soda stashed in the studio, and he had enough cash to get breakfast in the morning. He could maybe sneak back home while his parents were at work, sulk in his room and eventually come out with a quiet apology. As he parked his bike and took out his key to the garage, Luke fought away the image of his mother, likely crying over the cake they had gotten for him. All he needed was a night to himself, without any more arguing with his mom, without worrying the next thing out of his mouth would be something he’d seriously regret.

But when he opened the garage door, he stopped at seeing…Reggie?

Their bassist was asleep on the sofa, sprawled out on his stomach, his leather jacket still on. Snoring. Luke smirked. Quietly he tip-toed over, crouched down carefully beside him and exclaimed:

“Boo!”

Reggie flipped over with a shout and nearly almost hit Luke as he jumped up in shock. Luke was just grateful for an excuse to laugh. Instantly he felt a bit better, like he really was _home_ , though he was concerned for why his friend was there so late (and alone) too.

“What are you doing here?” Luke asked, taking a seat on the sofa beside his friend. When Reggie hesitated, looking guilty for even being caught, he felt bad. It wasn’t like his friend to just be hanging out at the studio alone, at night. “Is everything okay?”

The normally happy-go-lucky, always available for comic relief, bright eyed Reggie looked exhausted, he realized. There were bags under his eyes, his face looked paler than normal, and he was visibly tense. Luke reached out slowly to touch his arm, but Reggie jerked away.

“Reg, what’s going on?” He demanded this time.

Reggie just breathed heavily, unevenly. Luke placed his hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” he swallowed nervously, wondering what he had just walked into. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were sleeping here tonight. My mom and I fought, she was pissed we were playing at the club. I just couldn’t spend my birthday fighting with my mom so I decided to spend the night here.”

The bassist blinked, and blurted out:

“Oh, sorry! Happy birthday!”

Luke frowned.

“Yeah, thanks…we celebrated earlier, remember? At the pier? We had burgers? Played some music?”

Reggie looked totally blank, and now Luke was really worried.

“Does Bobby know you’re here?” He asked

His friend nodded numbly.

“Yeah, I come here sometimes.” It was the first time he had ever heard of this arrangement, but Luke tried to hide his surprise. “I knew his family was out of town, I didn’t know you were coming over. I’m sorry, I can go.”

“No!” Luke grabbed his friend’s arm to stop him from standing up, which was clearly a mistake. Reggie winced and looked away, slamming his eyes shut when he realized that he did. “Reggie?”

He let out a low breath as he lowered his arm.

“Are you hurt?” Luke breathed.

This time, Reggie stood up, still shaky as he announced:

“I’ll just go.”

And that was his answer.

Suddenly, Luke realized in horror why he knew next to nothing about Reggie’s current homelife. Despite knowing Reggie since forever, his friend rarely talked about his family lately, except that his parents were fighting a lot more. And Reggie never wanted them to stay over at his house, but that was it…which in retrospect, should have been a red flag, shouldn’t it? Painfully, he wondered how long this arrangement of Reggie staying in the studio had been going on, and how much Bobby knew. But he knew questions needed to wait.

Right now, Reggie needed to know he was safe.

Luke took a chance and carefully wrapped his arms around his friend’s shoulders. He was relieved when slowly, Reggie lowered his head to his shoulders, not saying anything.

“You’re safe,” Luke whispered. He closed his eyes. He knew he was way in over his head; he needed backup. “Would it be okay if I called Alex? See if he can come by?”

He was sure that if Reggie had bothered to run away to the studio and not let anyone know, he would rather not have any extra people there, but Luke was grown up enough to know that if Reggie was in trouble, he couldn’t handle it alone. Alex would know what to do.

_I need Alex_ , he thought selfishly.

They kept a phone in the back of the studio- they had been so proud to be able to afford a line just for the band. He dialed Alex’s number by heart.

“Hello?” His boyfriend answered, clearly confused why the studio called him this late.

“Um…” where did he even began? “Can you make an excuse to come over to the studio?”

“Luke?” Panic rose in his boyfriend’s voice. “What’s wrong? Why are you there?”

“Please…” he pleaded, trying to not sound too desperate. “I got in a fight with my mom, that’s why I’m here. But Reggie’s here too, I think he’s in trouble. He won’t tell me anything.”

He stole a glance over to his friend, who had sat back down on the sofa, sitting uncharacteristically straight and still, save for his trembling hands.

“I’ll be right over,” Alex promised.

Luke let out a sigh of relief.

Alex was there in twenty minutes. Luke set with Reggie on the couch the whole time, not sure of what to say but afraid to leave his friend alone. Part of him was afraid Reggie might bolt and spend the night on the street or something. He brought him some water, which he was almost surprised his friend gulped down grateful, but other than that they didn’t interact.

The garage door opened again and his incredibly anxious boyfriend came in. Luke wanted to feel more relaxed, but when he saw how tense Alex was, he almost felt bad for asking him to come. It was obvious Alex had prepped himself to try to be as cool as possible during the route over; he was stiff and straight faced, his eyes full of worry. He knew how anxious his boyfriend was, how empathetic he was; he’d wear Reggie’s pain on his shoulders like it was happening to him too.

“Reggie?” Alex asked quietly, carefully approaching the two. “What’s going on.”

Letting out a sigh, Reggie let his body rest against the sofa; it was the most movement he had made since the hug.

“Sometimes, it’s just not great for me to be at home,” Reggie admitted quietly. Like that was simply supposed to be enough of an explanation.

“What’s that even supposed to mean?” Alex insisted.

He crouched on the floor beside the bassist, placing a gentle hand on his knee. Reggie tensed, but didn’t finch away. Closing his eyes, he breathed slowly before finally confessing softly.

“It’s not just the arguing.”

Luke’s eyes closed, and his heart sank as he realized his fears were likely true. He felt ten times worse now for running out on his mother- like he knew what real parental problems were? It wasn’t like he felt _unsafe_ at home.

“My dad, he drinks. A lot.” Reggie admitted. “He lost his job a few months ago, and he hasn’t been able to find much work. He’s pissed at my mom for not finding anything more stable than just being a cashier. Their arguments have just gotten worse and worse, and sometimes I have to step in.”

The air in the room was stiff and silent as Reggie carefully peeled off his leather jacket and closed his eyes, holding out his left arm. It was littered with black-blue fingerprint shaped bruises.

“Reggie,” Luke breathed.

His heart raced; it was like all he had known about his friend had broken like glass. It made sense, somehow, the extreme casualness that Reggie often possessed, his excessive positivity, his child-like persona. He was desperately hiding a deep, painful secret life. It crushed Luke to know this had been happening on their watch.

“How long-?” Alex asked. He drew a deep breath, shaking his own head like he didn’t know where to begin. “Is there anything else?”

Reggie let out a shaky breath as he gently raised his shirt, revealing a sharp, dark bruise on his ribs.

“Jesus,” Luke swore. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“What could you have done?!” Reggie shot, letting his shirt fall back down as he buried his hands against his eyes. “Shit happens, okay? I’m not special, a lot of kids go through a lot worse. It’s not all the time, he just had a really bad day, they’re both really stressed about money. I knew better than to not get in the way.”

Luke and Alex stole glances at each other, and he almost felt bad for pulling his boyfriend into this. It wasn’t exactly like Alex was an expert at child abuse. But he was eternally grateful to not be here alone trying to help Reggie through this.

“Everyone has bad days,” Alex insisted. “It’s not an excuse to hurt your kid!”

Suddenly, Luke remembered a time in late spring, when Reggie had a black eye and claimed to have gotten into it with someone after school. Only, he would never admit said bully’s name, and he had never witnessed Reggie being bullied at school. Of anything, he was typically the beloved class clown. He felt sick to his stomach, realizing now where that black eye came from.

“I’m sorry,” Reggie breathed. His whole head was buried in his arms now. “It’s not that bad, I swear. It doesn’t happen that oftem.”

No matter how much he and his mom fought, he couldn’t ever imagine a world in which she would physically hurt him. It ached to consider how long this had to have been going on for Reggie to have started rationalizing it in his head.

“It shouldn’t happen at all, and you don’t have anything to be sorry about,” Luke told him calmly. “We’re going to help you through this. You don’t deserve this, Reg.”

All at once, Reggie shot up, as though actually making a fleeing attempt to get away. Luke and Alex immediately blocked his path. Luke caught his eyes, pleading with him.

“I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us,” Alex offered. “But I promise you man, we’re here for you. Whenever you need us.”

“Yes,” Luke agreed, nodding. “I know you got caught, this wasn’t on your own terms and it’s kind of a shock right now, but you don’t have to go through this alone.”

Reggie stared after them desperately, as though he equally wanted to tell them everything and still try to find a way to bolt. Luke could tell for sure though, he wasn’t entirely convinced he was safe yet.

“How often do you run away here?” Luke asked, wondering how he hadn’t noticed any signs of someone part-time living in the studio. Though, there was that odd toothbrush in the bathroom a couple of weeks ago.

The bassist shrugged.

“First time this week,” he replied simply. “Like I told you before, I knew Bobby’s family was out for the weekend.”

Luke and Alex glanced at each other, noting how much Reggie was fidgeting and sensing that “first time this week” was a lie. And if he still felt the need to lie about it, it must be way worse than Luke was even imagining.

This time, Alex embraced his friend, holding him close. Luke ached for a similar touch, and joined the two in a group hug.

“I didn’t want you guys to worry about me,” Reggie admitted, his voice breaking. “It’s a lot, and you guys have been so happy with your relationship, and I know it’s such a big deal coming out, I didn’t want to make everything about me.”

It was like someone stuck a dagger in him. Maybe he and Alex had been a bit too wrapped up in their own relationship, their own happiness, their own highs, that they hadn’t been the best of friends lately. They had been doing more going out to eat on their own than group hangs, and Luke couldn’t help but to admit that he had spent more than a fair share of practices lately vividly imagining the make out sessions (and hopefully more…) that would follow once the guys left.

Never would he had ever guessed that _this_ was what he was not noticing during all of his own blissfulness.

“Dude, you’re basically our brother,” Alex whispered into their group huddle. “We want to know if someone’s hurting you.”

Luke felt hot with anxiety, and Alex didn’t look like he was doing much better, despite his calm demeanor. How could the world let this happen to someone as kindhearted, energic, loving as _Reggie_?

When they pulled away, Reggie just looked so beaten _emotionally_. It was obvious this had been a battle he had taken on way too long on his own, and while he looked terrified to have been found out, Luke could tell there was the slightest hint of relief in his eyes at not being alone anymore.

“Is there anything you need now?” Alex asked.

Reggie shrugged.

“Maybe some ice?” He asked nervously. “I should have when I got here…I didn’t mean to pass out on the couch.”

Luke placed a hand on his shoulder.

“We got you. When did you last eat?”

He was mortified when his friend quietly replied:

“Lunch at the pier.”

That was almost nine hours ago. No wonder Reggie was always trying to bribe them to give up their extra food all the time…his own parents weren’t even making sure he was fed properly.

“We’ll order pizza,” Luke announced. “And get some ice.”

They all shared nods, though none of them felt too sure about having any kind of handle on the situation.

“He needs a blanket, for the sofa,” Alex whispered as they both turned to call for pizza and get ice. They kept an ice pack in the freezer compartment of the mini fridge just in case, but those just in case were often used on their wrists from being sore after hours of practicing. Not child abuse injuries. “If he’s going to sleep here. By the way, what happened with you and your mom?”

Luke felt so stupid that the question even needed to be asked.

“She didn’t want me playing at that club,” he admitted, feeling pathetic. “She was worried about the alcohol. I just didn’t want to get on another fight on my birthday and left. It was so stupid.”

A hand fell on is his shoulder, and Luke all at once felt comforted. Alex turned him toward him, taking Luke’s hands in his.

“You weren’t imagining anything like this happening when you left,” Alex offered. “But…I’d bet you’d feel better if you call your mom. Just tell her you’re safe.”

Somehow, it felt reassuring hearing those words coming from his boyfriend. He knew it was the right thing to do; he nodded.

“I’ll call her and order the pizza,” Luke promised.

They shared a brief kiss; even as they broke apart Luke yearned for his touch. He was _so_ glad he wasn’t here alone tonight.

He reached the phone for a second time that night. Drawing a deep breath, he dialed his own home number.

It picked up on the first ring.

He wasn’t sure if his mom would recognize the studio number or not.

“Hello? Luke?”

It sounded like a lucky guess, he thought, but his stomach still turned to knots at the sound of her stressed, exhausted, voice.

“Yeah, mom it’s me,” he breathed. There was a shaky sigh of relief on the other end. “I’m sorry for running out like that. I just needed some space. I’m at the studio, I’m safe, I promise. The guys are still here. I’ll come home in the morning.”

There was a long pause, and Luke had never felt like a shittier son.

“Thank you for calling me,” his mother said, her voice uncharacteristically soft. “I love you, Luke.”

Luke’s voice was impossibly unsteady as he replied:

“I love you too, Mom.”

Tears prickled at his eyes as he hung up. He let out a shaky breath, taking a minute to glance back over to Reggie, who was sat back against the cushions, arms wrapped around himself, looking utterly lost and uncertain of himself. He dialed the number for the closest pizza joint as Alex returned to Reggie with an ice pack. His heart melted at how gingerly his boyfriend helped their friend, with zero judgement. His heart eased a bit as he realized how grateful he was to have Alex in his life. As a best friend, as a boyfriend How had he kept him secret for so long?

As he hung up and drifted back over to his friends, he placed a hand on both Alex and Reggie’s shoulders.

“Pizza is on the way,” he announced.

He slid onto the sofa and carefully placed his arm around Reggie’s shoulders.

“Hey, look at me,” Luke encouraged quietly. Reggie looked shaken with nerves as he turned to meet his eyes. It was then Luke realized a familiar look, a look that told him though he claimed to wish he hadn’t been caught, he also couldn’t be any more relived to not be alone anymore. “You’re not alone in this. We’ll help you figure it out. Any time you don’t feel safe, you call, okay?”

Reggie nodded stiffly.

As they fell silent, Luke’s heart twisted as his friend sank into his arms, leaning onto him for support. Luke glanced up at Alex, feeling helpless. He was grateful when Alex took a seat next to him, placing a supportive hand firmly on Luke’s knee and let his head fall to his shoulder.

“Thank you, guys,” Reggie whispered.

“We’ve got you,” Alex whispered back.

That night they all stayed in the studio, eating pizza and watching _Star Wars_ for Reggie’s benefit. Luke wasn’t sure if it wasn’t a healthy thing for them to be totally ignoring everything that was going on, but it at least seemed to bring Reggie out of his trance a bit. He even smiled some at his favorite parts, though he missed some of the quotes he always recited, instead just letting his head still rest on Luke’s shoulder, staying silent as he gazed wide-eyed ahead at the screen. Luke’s hand was interlocked with Alex’s, squeezing gently every now and then as though to make sure he was still there. They stayed like that, piled together on the sofa until Reggie finally fell back asleep about an hour and a half in. He was clearly exhausted, the adrenaline long sense worn off. Luke and Alex stayed up, still staring at the screen but neither taking in what was happening. At last Luke checked to make sure Reggie was snoring quietly before he turned to Alex and confessed:

“I can’t believe he hid that from us. Are you sure we shouldn’t like, call the police or something?”

Alex shook his head, looking sick.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “If Reggie is unwilling to talk to anyone, I’m not sure what they can do. I feel so sick about it. Did you notice how much he ate? I can’t believe his family has been living just on his mom’s cashier money. I can’t believe we didn’t know.”

“I know.” Luke paused, before blurting out: “I’m glad you’re here. I didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry.”

His boyfriend placed a kiss to his head, and a shiver went up his spine.

“Please, don’t be. You did the right thing; I wouldn’t have wanted either of you to be alone tonight.”

Reggie never moved from his spot, resting against Luke’s shoulder and soon enough, Alex’s head was rested on his other. They fell asleep last night, and Luke realized as Reggie was able to sleep peacefully through the night that maybe it was meant to be that he ran out on his dinner. He didn’t want to imagine if he hadn’t been here, hadn’t found out and Reggie got away with keeping this secret. 

In 2020, an eerie silence fell over the room as Luke drew in a deep breath and stopped the story. Julie was staring at Reggie, who had a single tear running down his cheek.

“Reg…” Julie whispered helplessly.

“It really wasn’t…”

“Don’t!” Luke and Alex cut him off.

“Stop apologizing for that asshole!” Alex demanded.

Reggie was still curled up almost into a ball, his knees brought up to his chest. Julie quietly wrapping him into a hug. He didn’t protest. Luke could still remember that night like it was yesterday; he had never seen his friend so out of sorts, so startled and frozen. It still made him sick to know that could have been going on for a long time and he had never noticed. He could have helped, could have at least made sure his friend had more to eat.

“Like I said, three teenage runaways…not the happiest of stories,” Luke said, his voice low as he looked over to Julie, trying to test if she was okay for them to go on. “The story doesn’t get better from here.”

Tears had started to fall from Julie’s eyes as she continued to cling to their bassist. Reggie’s hand clung to her arm as he stared at head, looking as though he were wondering if he had really, actually, gone through all that. Closing his eyes, Luke sank back into the sofa. The more he talked, the more the past came back to him like horrible vivid dreams. It was a mix of the amazing, sensual, buzzing feelings he felt with his relationship with Alex that he had ignored since their breakup and the dark cloud approaching of just how awful these memories of their families from the year before they died were. How had they, at sixteen, seventeen years old were allowed to go through so much? And then they just _died_.

Reggie never even had a chance.

“I always regretted that we didn’t catch on sooner,” Alex suddenly admitted softly.

“There was nothing you could have done,” Reggie insisted, his voice stiff as he shook his head.

Even Julie didn’t look like she believed him, and Luke knew that if any of them were going through any of that she would be all over it. Insisting they had proper meals, getting help from her dad- she wouldn’t have let them out of her sight. He felt sick as Julie gazed helplessly between him and Alex, and he couldn’t help but to feel like they had let her down.

“Please tell me you know you didn’t deserve that,” Julie pleaded to Reggie, who’s eyes slammed shut, as though he was blocking an opposing voice out. “Reggie…”

_Unfinished business,_ Luke realized. Reggie had to forgive himself.

Slowly, he got up from the sofa and took a seat on the floor beside his two bandmates. Alex joined him. He rubbed gently circles on Reggie’s back, breathing slowly and quietly as he waited for anyone to say anything. He stole a glance toward Alex, who just looked like he desperately wanted Reggie to have some kind of closure on this.

“You’ve got to forgive yourself, Reg,” Luke whispered. “It was never your fault. The fighting was never your fault. You didn’t deserve any of that.”

Julie held Reggie tighter as he let out a shaky breath and he opened his wet eyes, looking around at all of them in turn.

“I know,” he finally cried, his voice breaking. His whole body shook. “I know, I’m _sorry._ I’m sorry that I keep saying I’m sorry! I know it shouldn’t have been like that. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t. My parents, they should have taken better care of me.”

More color glowed in Reggie’s complexion, his face didn’t look as pale and his eyes seemed a bit less desperate as he looked around them again.

“This whole time, I’ve been trying to find it in me to forgive my dad, and I…I just can’t. I thought that was part of my unfinished business. But I think…I think I actually just need to forgive myself.”

“Oh Reggie…” Julie buried her head in his shoulder. The tension in Luke’s body eased when the smallest of smiles turned up at his lips at the sight.

“I’m okay,” Reggie whispered to her, brushing her hair out of her face. “Maybe it’s because I’m, well, dead and no one can hurt me now, but I’ve never felt safer than here, with you guys, with _you_ and your family Julie. I know I’m safe. I know I’m okay.”

Julie offered him a smile back as she hugged him a final time.

“You always will be safe here,” she promised.

At that moment his eyes met Alex’s; his ex’s eyes were full of worry and anticipation, knowing the memories and feelings the next part of their story would bring up.

“Maybe we should take five, before we get into…the next stuff,” Luke suggested.

No one argued as he tilted his head toward the garage door, motioning for Alex to follow him as he poofed out into fresh air.

“You okay?” Alex asked, eyeing him carefully.

Luke was very much _not_ okay. No wonder they came back as ghosts, he had no idea their unfinished business could extend this far.

“We can tell her the rest another time, or not at all, you know,” Alex offered.

He wanted to think Alex sounded hopeful, but he knew it was just subconsciously that he himself dreaded having to go through the next part of their story. Alex looked rather confident, like he was ready to just get this done.

All the while, he still found himself feeling guilty for not being a better friend to Reggie back in ’94.

“Hey,” Alex called. He placed a finger under Luke’s chin and gently turned his face toward him. Luke felt his body tense again, unused to this kind of touch lately from his former partner. “You know, you’ve gotta forgive yourself too. It wasn’t your fault, Luke. Just like our deaths weren’t your fault. _Please._ Please stop carrying around all this guilt.”

Oh god he had to bring _that_ up again. While Reggie had seemed to be noticeably more at ease after forgiving himself, Luke found himself almost physically incapable of it. They literally would not be here if it wasn’t for him. Reggie would have been better taken cared of he had paid more attention, if he had insisted on intervening more. Luke should have made sure his friends were eating better than just school lunches and street food.

He couldn’t get the thought out of his head, almost like some other force was keeping it there.

“I’m trying,” Luke mumbled, forcing his eyes away from Alex’s; he couldn’t take the desperation, the trying to get him to see. “All this stuff coming up, I didn’t realize how much denial I’ve been in.”

Alex offered a shrug.

“It’s been a _lot_ of change for us. We died. I don’t think we’re supposed to know how to process this. But I can tell, dealing with this guilt, all these hidden regrets, it’s helping us. We were supposed to grow up and have time to work through this stuff. Now it’s just all weighing on us. Julie’s right, this is healthy.”

_It’s still your fault,_ the voice in his head persisted.

Luke closed his eyes, desperate to get out of his head. Suddenly he found himself shifted forward, and a familiar pair of arms were bringing him in for an embrace. Sighing, he settled his head against his ex’s shoulder. His stomach knotted as a familiar warmth flooded through him. There had always been something so welcoming about Alex’s touch, so instantly comforting…and it pained him how much he missed it.

“We’ll get there,” Alex promised in a whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and comments. I love hearing what you guys think about the story and your feedback :)


	10. The Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: **homophobic language**, bullying

It had been a good day at school, for once.

It was the Friday before Labor Day weekend. Two different teachers were out and the substitutes just had movies on aka Luke got nearly two hours of sleep that day in school. They had a pep rally which, while lame, meant getting to miss part of math. The band was looking forward to a three-day marathon weekend of songwriting and rehearsing with a gig on Saturday and plenty of junk food ready to power them through it all.

They planned to take a nice long walk to the pier after school and grab burgers before a movie marathon to kick everything off; they were all staying at Bobby’s for the entire weekend, something he could tell Reggie was looking forward to the most. Their bassist had been noticeably more at ease at school all day, more so than he had in weeks. He had been promising that things hadn’t been so bad at home since _that_ night, and that he had mostly successfully avoided even being in the house with his father since. The guys had stepped up, sneaking out leftovers to bring for Reggie’s lunch and to take home, buying extra bags of chips and drinks, rotating letting him spend the night when they could. _Looking forward_ became their new motto. In a year they would all be eighteen. They’d be done with high school. They’d be out of their shitty homes and ready to take on the world, and it started with getting more solid gigs like their show this weekend.

But first, Bobby had detention after school and Reggie had to make up a missed test. Alex and Luke decided to hang out and wait, roaming the back halls of the eerily silent and empty school. Busses had all left by now, they didn’t think there were any kind of practices going on, and it really had seemed like they were alone. A smile was plastered over Luke’s face as they roamed, a restless energy was cursing through him, anxious to get to spend a little time alone with his boyfriend before their weekend with the band. He couldn’t help but to let his hand brush just so against Alex’s palm, daring to give it a squeeze every now and then or snake around so that his fingers could dance ever so gently and quickly across his neck. Luke was trying out different versions of a lyric, singing quietly under his breath and air guitaring his part, while Alex beat out the drum parts on his chest.

“What if it went more like-“ Alex suggested, then sang out the bridge Luke was stuck on, but with a gentler touch, his voice low and vibrating as it echoed quietly in the hallway.

Luke stopped. He obviously knew Alex could sing, but he usually heard him sing harmonies. It was rare that the drummer would just belt something out that didn’t involve one of the other guys joining in. Alex had a _beautiful_ solo voice. It was freaking _haunting_. An idea struck him.

“You should take that solo!” He exclaimed, his eyes lighting up at how brilliant this could be. Alex just looked horrified. “It would be so awesome, no one will be expecting a sudden vocal solo from the drummer. It’s a total attention-grabber.”

“I _really_ don’t like solos. There’s a reason I picked up the drums, you know, so I can sit behind the band and specifically _not_ have vocal solos.”

They stopped by a set of lockers and Luke took Alex by the shoulders. His boyfriend looked slightly caught off guard, but Luke was too pumped up to let any fear slow him down..

“Luke…”

“You have a _fantastic_ voice! I promise you it will be amazing! I wouldn’t ever push you to do something that would humiliate you, people are going to love this. Please? For me?”

He playfully batted his eyes and Alex let out a long sigh, having one of those looks on his face that read _what am I getting myself into_.

“Come on, Alex!” A voice suddenly called from behind them. They both jumped apart, hearts racing to find the school’s resident quarterback, Alan Myers and his two minions, Matt and Logan grinning wildly as they leaned against the furthest set of lockers in the hall. They clearly knew what they had just walked in on. Luke could feel adrenaline starting to rush through him as he stepped away from his boyfriend, his hands already curling into fists. “Do it for _Luke_.”

“Shut up, man!” Luke warned. Alex hovered back near the lockers, he was horrible at fighting and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. He turned to his boyfriend, not wanting to put him in any danger. “Get out of here, see if Reggie’s ready to go.”

“Yeah, see if your other boyfriend is ready,” the quarterback jeered.

“Shut up!” Luke shot louder, shoving the other away, but he was painfully aware of how much smaller he was than the 6’0” star athlete. The athlete shoved him back into the drummer, but as he tried to charge forward again Alex grabbed him.

“It’s not worth it, let’s just go.”

“Yeah,” Alan said, pushing him again, “just run away.”

The voice in his head screamed it wasn’t worth it, this wasn’t even a kid he normally even saw in school and likely no one would believe him if he went around claiming Luke Patterson was gay anyway. Alex looked extraordinarily uncomfortable, and for his benefit Luke knew he shouldn’t push it. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Luke muttered, leading Alex away. 

_“Fagots.”_

Luke froze. He could hear Alex’s breath hitch in his throat, could practically hear his heart starting to pound.

“What did you say?” Luke demanded, swirling around. Alex sank back toward the lockers, putting distance between himself and the others.

Alan only grinned, like a madman, like he thought he truly had that much power over the two of them just with one word. Luke was too infuriated to know what he felt, but he knew Alex was spiraling, imagining rumors getting around to his parents. The voice in his head still told him he should back off, but like hell was someone going to just get away with treating his boyfriend like that.

Luke threw the first punch.

It was all he got before the quarterback threw him on the ground, like he could be tosses away as easily as a paper ball. His head hit the hard school floor with a _crack_ and his vision momentarily blacked, but he came to quickly when he heard Alex cry out in pain. He sat up on his arm, his eyes widening when he saw one of the minions punching his Alex in the ribs.

“Stop!” Luke screamed, trying to jump to his feet but he was held down by Alan.

Something cold and metal was placed against his throat and he froze.

It was knife.

“Stay down,” Alan warned.

He knew he was realistically fine. It was just a small knife, he knew Alan wasn’t stupid enough to murder him in the middle of their school. But panic still flooded him, because he knew the kind of fighting this kid was capable of. And the school _was_ practically deserted.

“You think you run this school with your stupid ass boyband band,” Alan shot. “Talentless piece of shit.”

The knife was pressed tighter against his throat and Luke let out a choked cry as Alex was given a black eye. His stomach knotted as his boyfriend screamed out, and at last multiple sets of feet were running toward them. Looking up, Luke had never been more grateful to see his two other best friends along with the teachers who had been given the detention and exam rushing toward him. Alan and his friends took off in a heartbeat, too fast for the middle-aged home economics and history teachers to have a chance to keep up with.

“Luke, Alex!” Reggie exclaimed, his eyes wide with panic, not knowing who to attend to first.

“I’m fine,” Luke forced out, though his throat felt too closed up. His head pounded. But he cared a lot more about his boyfriend who was crouched over by the lockers, one arm pressed against his blackened eye and a hand held against his rib cage. He scooted over, gently removing Alex’s arm so he could see.

“Jesus…” Bobby announced first. The two teachers glanced at each other, wondering what they had stepped into.

“I think we need to call the police, and an ambulance,” the history teacher announced. He turned to the home economics teacher. “Can you see if the nurse is still around?”

“I’m fine,” Alex mumbled weakly, but there was no convincing them of such. His chest was heaving, his eye was already turning blue-black. “ _Please_ …no police. No ambulance.”

Luke’s blood boiled as he held onto Alex, trying to make sure he stayed upright. Here he was, beaten to a pulp, humiliated in front of two teachers, and all he was worried about was his parents finding out.

“Dude, your dad’s going to see,” Reggie spoke up quietly.

“They’re not home this weekend,” Alex sighed.

“He can stay with me,” Luke announced, looking up at the teachers. “We’re okay, we just need to get home. My mom’s an ER nurse. We’ve got this. We won’t press charges.”

Not that he wouldn’t love to see those three behind bars, he knew it would be their word against the football team.

“With all due respect, that’s for your parents to decide,” the history teacher sighed. “I’ll get the principal, we’ll give your parents a call, Luke.

Alex looked defeated. They would have to tell Luke’s parents _something_ , and Luke’s parents would definitely tell Alex’s parents, even if they were out of town. His stomach went a bit sour as he wondered if his parents would catch on. As uptight as they were, they were both pretty smart, and both his parents had tended to loads of kids that had gotten in fights for similar reasons.

The school nurse hadn’t left yet and quickly ushered them into her office, giving both of them ice packs. She had Alex take off his shirt so she could examine his ribs, and Luke had to keep himself from blushing too obviously. He looked away, but still winced as Alex cried out softly in pain as she pressed against different areas on his side.

“Any nausea, Luke?” She asked him as she continued to examine the drummer.

“Just a little, but I’m fine.”

He knew his mother would get it out of him even if he wasn’t honest with the nurse, so he might as well get seen to as much he could here before facing his parents. There was a mirror above the sink in the nurse’s station, and Luke dared to take a look at himself. He grimaced when he saw how bit of a knot was already forming on the side of his head, and his throat was an angry red with a faint line from where the knife had been held.

So much for their three days of music and their gig. They couldn’t go on stage looking like this. Alex still looked like he could barely stand on his own.

Gratefully, his dad didn’t say anything when he came to collect them. He listened quietly to the principal, stealing concerned glances toward his son but keeping his textbook doctor’s cool. It was an awkward and silent ride home; he hung out in the back seat with Alex, in case either of them got sick or Alex needed help. Luke wanted so badly to place a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder, his knee, to hold him, provide any kind of contact to show he wasn’t alone. But Alex was shaking, he was so distraught, and his dad kept stealing more worried glances through the mirror. 

To his horror, his mom was waiting for them in the driveway, arms crossed and looking equal parts mortified and _pissed_. Her eyes watered immediately upon seeing the state of the two of them through the car windows.

“Alex, why don’t you go ahead and go in?” His father asked gently as he turned off the car.

His boyfriend stole a worried look toward him, but Luke nodded, silently promising that it was okay. He’d much rather have this talk with his father anyway, so Luke didn’t protest as he sank back against the seat. He noticed out the window that Alex limped as he walked, and he was still slightly hunched over and grabbing his side as Emily took him in her arms and helped him up the walkway. How could he have possibly gotten them in this much danger? _Everything_ could be ruined now. Alex could have been in the hospital. He could have had his throat ripped open! He rubbed his hand absent-mindedly rubbed against his neck as he waited for his father to speak.

“Luke, what were you thinking?”

Luke sighed.

Of course, his parents never gave him the benefit of the doubt.

“ _They_ jumped _us_ ,” Luke lied- he wouldn’t ever admit he was the one threw the first punch. “Am I really about to get lectured when I was just held on the ground at knife point and had to watch my best friend get the living daylights punched out of him?!”

His father looked like he was officially struggling to remain so calm.

“You should have called for help.”

“We did!” Also, not exactly truthful, but if the screaming hadn’t gotten any attention for as long as it took, there wasn’t much more than he could have done. “We tried to walk away, but they stopped us. Do you really think I would have just put Alex in that kind of danger? I did everything I could!”

The more he exaggerated what happened, the guiltier he felt as he realized just how much he did that egged the whole situation on. He knew his dad had a right to be angry at him. _Alex_ had a right to be angry at him. He knew it was a call neither of his parents wanted to receive as they headed into a rare holiday weekend off.

“I know,” his father sighed, “I know you’d do anything for your friends. I’ll talk to your mother.”

“Thanks,” Luke mumbled.

He stumbled a bit as he tried to get out of the car and his father rushed to steady him; he knew he’d be under heavy concussion watch that weekend. God this was going to suck. When he got inside the house, his mother already had Alex getting into bed in the guest room. His hands were still shaking. He was breathing low and harshly.

“Do you have your inhaler, sweetie?” His mom asked gently. Nodding, Alex reached for his backpack. Luke stepped in, knowing exactly where to look. Their eyes met briefly, Alex pleading with him to not react, and the guilt inside him grew stronger. Wordlessly, he handed Alex the inhaler, letting his mom step in to help. After he took a dose of the rescue inhaler she listened to his heart and checked his eyes, examined his nose for any broken bones. Even though the school nurse had looked them over, of course she would want to check for herself. Predictably, she announced: “You’re both going to be watched for concussion symptoms. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for either of you to spend the weekend at Bobby’s. Alex, you can stay here until your parents get back.”

“Thanks Mrs. Patterson,” his boyfriend replied, his voice barely above a whisper as he sank back against the pillows, his hands stuffed inside the pocket of his hoodie to hide that they were still trembling.

“Luke, can you stay with him while I get him some water and ice?” She asked; obviously he nodded yes. He was surprised when she placed a reassuring hand on his arm, giving him a gentle squeeze. It was obvious there was a dozen things she wanted to say, but thankfully she just settled on: “I want to take a look at you too, and we need to talk. I just…want to make sure you’re okay.”

Her worried eyes found the knot on his head, and he knew that she wouldn’t waste any time to get him taken cared of next. Luke had to admit that moment, deep down, that he could at least be grateful to have a parent that could at least see past their anger long enough to take care of him. He’d hate to imagine if Reggie had been in his shoes. He offered her the most convincing smile he could and a quick kiss to the cheek…which in retrospect, was probably trying too hard considering where their relationship stood lately. She looked even more skeptical that they weren’t telling the full story.

“I’m okay, Mom,” he lied. “Thanks for taking care of Alex.”

His mom looked shaken herself, but stiffly nodded before walking with his father back to the living area; he hadn’t even noticed his dad had been watching. His eyes flashed toward Luke for a brief moment, trying to figure him out, but he stayed silent as ever as he too left them alone. Luke wanted to close the door, for privacy, but he knew that would only draw further suspicion.

He didn’t waste any time, knowing it wouldn’t be long before they’d return.

“Alex,” Luke breathed, rushing toward the bed and throwing his arms around his boyfriend, burying his head in his neck. “I am so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Alex replied softly, clearly lying through his teeth.

“You tried to get us out of there, and I never should have thrown that punch. Which, by the way the official story is that I definitely did not throw that first punch.”

Alex snorted against his shoulder. He was worried he was holding him too tight, but he could feel Alex wasn’t willing to let go just yet.

“Got it,” he replied, his breath suddenly really shaky. “Luke, if word gets around…”

“It won’t,” he promised, though he himself felt sick with the uncertainty. “That guy will get so drunk this weekend he won’t even remember it happened.”

Rolling his eyes, Alex broke away, rubbing his hands over his face. He looked like his nerves were completely shot, and Luke’s heart broke for him. He wished he could have his pain, that he was the one held down and beat. Alan had done it on purpose, made him watch. If he ever even dared to come around Luke again…

“I’ll make him pay,” he promised.

“Please, don’t.”

He hesitated, knowing that if he did try anything like that again Alex would likely kill him. Then he smirked.

“You’re right, Reggie and Bobby have probably murdered him already.”

That made Alex laugh and for a moment, Luke felt a little bit better. This would be their three-day weekend then. A quiet one hanging out at his house, maybe they could be back with the band by Sunday. They’d still have a movie marathon and would awkwardly avoid Luke’s parents. He just wished Alex’s hands would stop shaking; it was obvious they were, even hidden by the pink sweatshirt. Stealing a glance toward the door, he snaked his hands into Alex’s pockets, placing them gingerly over the drummer’s trembling knuckles.

“I’ve got you,” Luke promised him.

The smallest of smiles turned up at the corners of Alex’s lips as he nodded, letting out a long breath. His head rested back against the pillows; he shivered. He was properly in shock, Luke realized, and he found himself even more grateful that his parents, with their medical expertise, were here to help. It was scary enough a few weeks ago with Reggie, let alone _this_.

“Want me to tuck you in?” Luke teased, prompting a light brush on the drummer’s face, even amongst the bruising.

Alex didn’t argue as he scooted to get under the covers, letting Luke reach for the comforter and drape it over him. There was a spare blanket folded up on the edge of the bed and he grabbed it, placing it over him next. He could hear his parents’ hushed voices from the kitchen. Knowing they weren’t approaching, he stole a moment to brush his fingers gently through the blonde’s hair.

“It will be okay,” he told him softly. Leaning forward, he brushed his lips against Alex’s forehead. He closed his eyes for just a moment, fighting away the reality that he knew was waiting for them. When he repeated his own promise, hushed and gently, it was almost more to convince himself that nothing would change. It was just one stupid fight. They'd get through this. “It will be okay.”

(he was wrong)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and for your lovely comments on the last chapter! Comments seriously make my day so much! I was kinda nervous about this fic getting so dark, which was always the intention and I actually had a lot of the second half of this written before the first, but I didn't want it all to be dark and depressing. But...yup...I'm just gonna leave this here.


	11. Zombies/The Breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: ***homophobia** and bullying
> 
> Also...it's sad. I'm sorry. It's just one big angst fest.

Alan Myers didn’t forget the fight. By that next Tuesday, the entire school knew…and they knew what the fight was about. Reggie and Bobby always made sure one was accompanying either him or Alex, in case anyone else tried to start anything, in turn damaging their own reputation. In just a matter of days the band went from actually being pretty cool and well known to being outcasts.

He heard more slurs whispered under people’s breaths than he could count. He couldn’t even get lunch without feeling the stares, the was band left to coward around a table in the back corner and hope no one tried anything while they ate. Alex became practically mute at school, refusing to admit if anyone was bullying him in particular. He missed more days of school than usual and willingly cut class with Luke for the first time ever.

On one said day of skipping class they took the bus down to the beach and just sat in the sand, not talking. The day before they had gotten into another fight, at lunch this time, with a couple of seniors who were trying to get into it with Luke and Bobby. This time, Luke sported a faint yellow-green black eye, which his mother had been furious about, but honestly, he was a little too proud to finally have his own war wound, in the name of sticking up for his partner. Meanwhile they did their best to keep Reggie out of the fighting, seeing how tense he got at even a single shove, let alone a fist being thrown. The bassist had shown up to practice one day with thick finger-print shaped bruises on his wrist and had simply claimed “you should see the other guy”, but he noticeably started staying at the studio more than ever that week.

“Reggie was talking about how Halloween is just a couple weeks away,” Luke spoke up. The beach was eerily quiet at ten in the morning on an autumn Thursday, a stark contrast from when they would normally do some busking on the weekends. While the sun was still too bright for his own taste, it was nice just breathing in the salty air, letting his senses run wild with distraction. “I think we could make pretty convincing zombies this year.”

Alex did him the decency of forcing out a laugh at his bad joke, and Luke forced a smile in return.

“I don’t really feel like doing any parties or anything this year,” Alex admitted.

“Yeah, me neither,” Luke agreed. Last year they had gone to a house party on Halloween that had gotten way too out of hand, even for them, and he just couldn’t imagine that walking into that kind of situation right now was smart for any of them.

He really didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know how to talk about this, or even if Alex wanted to. Luke was just grateful to be with him, not at school, and give them a few minutes of peace, but the tension was eating at him.

From behind them a car door suddenly slammed shut, and the sound of young children laughing, excited to be at the beach, filled the silence. A rush of nerves overwhelmed him without warning, and he practically jumped away from Alex, feeling like for just a second, he couldn’t even breathe.

“You okay?” Alex asked, watching him closely as he forced out a few long breaths.

Luke nodded, trying to ride out the anxiety that was threatening to crush him. How many times had he hung out on the beach like this before, when he was brave enough to even steal a kiss, and had never reacted like that?

“Yeah,” he lied, still too shaky, “I’m okay.”

As things didn’t ease up any at school, Luke turned into a loose cannon, feeling way jumpier than usual, lashing out over _anything_. When his parents found out how much class he had been skipping it was an all-out screaming match between him and his mom for a solid two hours before he fled the house. He stayed in the studio with Reggie that night, neither of them talking, and he didn’t say anything when he silently crept home the next afternoon.

He hated this version of him.

The worst part about it was that everything bothered him more than he could have ever imagined. Luke was starting to have nightmares, dreaming of the Labor Day fight over and over, hearing Alex cry out in pain. Or his mind would plague him with all the various ways they could be bullied at school. He had been so certain all this time that if anyone gave him a hard time over dating another guy that he just _wouldn’t care_.

But he did.

He cared about the bullying lot, and he hated it.

The school was relentless, it was like everyone could hide behind their own insecurities while Sunset Curve became everyone’s new favorite punching bag. He felt sick in the mornings when he got up, forcing himself to go to class just enough to not have his parents be called.

What Luke hated the most was that even band practice was starting to feel like a chore. They were all constantly on edge, unsure of what to say to each other, none of them wanting to talk about what they were going through. It had gone unspoken that they hadn’t booked a gig in weeks, not even because no one would have them but they hadn’t tried to. Rehearsals felt stiff, drained of their usual energy. Luke usually felt like he could barely even stay upright after a full day of school, he was mentally wrecked and exhausted from not sleeping.

“Dude!” Bobby called out during one such rehearsal. Luke looked up, blinking; it was like he had just been playing on auto pilot, he almost forgot the guys were even there. “We were running through ‘Crooked Teeth’, you’re playing the chords for ‘Late Last Night’.”

To be honest, Luke couldn’t have even named what he had been playing if they had asked. From behind the drums, Alex studied him; he looked tired himself, they all did.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked.

Of course he wasn’t. How could he be?

“Are you?” Luke shot, the words coming out of him with more frustration than he meant.

“No.”

Without hesitation, Alex flung a drumstick across the room, Reggie dodging it just in time.

“Hey!” The bassist cried out, but Alex ignored him as he stormed out of the studio.

Luke unplugged his guitar, slipping it behind his back as he ran after him. He found Alex leaned over, his hand gripping a lamppost. His eyes were pinned closed, and Luke’s heart felt torn in two, knowing he had brought this on.

“I’m sorry,” he called softly. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired.”

Carefully, he placed a hand on Alex’s back and just stood there in silence, rubbing gentle circles to help soothe him and whispering instructions help guide him through. After a few tense moments Alex straightened up, looking paler than he had when practice begun.

“I’m tired too,” he sighed. Behind them the other guys’ footsteps pounded against the pavement, checking up on them. Alex grimaced. “Sorry, Reg. I didn’t mean to try to take your eye out.”

“Hey, it would have just made my pirate costume more convincing,” Reggie teased.

Bobby gaped at him.

“Dude you are sixteen years old, you are _not_ going to be a pirate for Halloween.”

“Buzzkill.”

_“Child.”_

“Guys, please,” Luke groaned, running a hand through hie hair.

Even Alex rolled his eyes, trying to act like everything was perfectly fine and he didn’t just almost have a panic attack in the middle of practice.

“I’m okay,” Alex stated, “sorry, we can go again if everyone’s up for it.”

Shaking his head, Bobby looked like the last thing he wanted to do was force out another run through while tensions were this high.

“You guys look terrible,” he commented, “you’re clearly exhausted. It’s nearly eight, just stay in the studio for the night.”

Luke didn’t even have the energy to argue. His body was begging for sleep, he felt like if he could just shut his mind off, even for just a few hours, it would be exactly what he would need to turn things around.

That night Reggie offered to take the loft, curling up on a bean bag and falling asleep instantly while Luke and Alex took the sofa. They were too tired to even pull it out to the sofa bed, instead settling for curling up side by side, Alex’s back turned to the cushions as he held onto Luke, pressed against his chest. The studio was completely silent and dark; he could see why it was calming for Reggie to stay here.

But he still couldn’t sleep.

He focused on Alex’s breathing, soft and steady, and tried to not be too overwhelmed with the realization that this was the closest they had been physically in awhile. It wasn’t anything they purposefully intended, but just as tensions ran high they had slipped apart, not knowing how to deal.

After nearly an hour of trying to fall asleep, he finally whispered:

“You asleep?”

“No,” Alex muttered in response.

With a sly smile, Luke rolled around, so that he was laying on top of him. Alex blinked in surprise, but didn’t argue as Luke surged forward, kissing him. His smile brightened and then tension in his body immediately began to ease as the kiss deepened and Alex’s hand brushed up and down his arms.

They stayed liked that, lips caught in a slow dance. He was fighting exhaustion, he knew, and things didn’t feel as coordinated as he would have liked, but it was _something_. It was connection. And it felt good.

“Reggie is right there,” Alex whispered, laughing quietly even as he did and pointed up to the loft.

They stopped for just a moment, until they could plainly hear their friend snoring from up above.

“Yeah, and he’s out like a light,” Luke grinned, not hesitating to return to his lips.

As they resumed their movements became more desperate, and Luke couldn’t help but to let his hands explore as his lips brushed against Alex’s neck this time, sucking gently until his boyfriend _moaned_ …

“I’m not that asleep!” Reggie warned suddenly from the loft, mortified.

They both broke out into laugher, and even as they settled back into their cuddle, breathing heavily, he realized he finally felt at least a _little_ like himself again. He was sure it wasn’t healthy, that he only felt this at ease when they were physically close, but he pushed away the anxious thought, letting himself relish in feeling much more relaxed than he had before. Lips brushed gently against his neck, and Alex’s breath was hot against his skin as he whispered:

“Get some sleep.”

His eyes fluttered close as he gave into his exhaustion, and for the first time in weeks, he fell straight asleep. 

That night he had slept so well that it was like it ignited a sleeping gene in his brain that finally let him get rest again. He began sleeping during class, falling asleep in the studio after practice, coming home and going straight to bed after school. It was like his brain had realized: why stay up all night, anxious and mad at the world when you can just sleep and ignore everything? And as long as he slept through school, it seemed like people forgot he was even there.

“Dude, you can’t sleep during lunch!” Reggie called to him one day, shoving him awake halfway through their lunch period. “It’s the best class of the day.”

Without answering, he simply slid his plate over to his friend, knowing that getting the food he was too tired to eat would shut the bassist right up. And it did.

“I’m worried about you,” his mother declared the following Saturday, when he finally slid out of his room at nearly one in the afternoon. She tried to make him face her, taking his arms in her hands, but he fought away from her so that he could search the cabinets for the quickest thing to eat. He was equal parts starving and had no energy to eat.

“You’re always worried about me,” he mumbled.

“The guys have called four times now looking for you,” she announced.

His eyes widened; he had completely forgotten about practice today. Which was weird, because they had had practice nearly every Saturday snice Sunset Curve had gotten together.

_“Shit.”_

“Language!”

That night he had only half-heard as Alex asked if he wanted to grab a bite to eat and hang out, not even realizing that he was trying to ask him on a date. He had mumbled something in response, hardly hearing himself, and threw himself on the sofa in the studio instead. He was out in minutes, totally unaware that the guys had sat around, watching him sleep and wondering what was going on until they finally had to go home.

He and Alex finally got together later that week, grabbing a pizza before seeing a movie later. Luke felt a little out of place, like mentally he wanted to be there, he wanted to finally have this time together, but physically…he didn’t know what was wrong with him. He felt off, and Alex looked a bit off too. But they were laughing, smiling; it was what they should be doing, as a couple, he felt.

And of course, they were nearly almost through when who walked in but Alan Myers.

Luke froze when he saw the quarterback stride through the door with his friends, as always, like he owned the place.

“What?” Alex asked. When he glanced behind to where Luke was looking he clammed up, his face instantly paling. “Shit…Luke, _please_. Don’t do anything stupid.”

The drummer was practically sunk down in his seat, but the restaurant wasn’t that crowded and the athlete’s eyes immediately found them. His lips immediately turned up into a smirk as he guided his friends over to their table, carefully blocking so they couldn’t get away.

“Isn’t this cute,” Alan shot, his eyes practically glimmering with the delight of having another shot at them. Luke jumped up, refusing to just sit and take it. “Date night?”

Luke sneered.

“How would you know? When did you last go on a date?”

He was well aware that Alex had sunk further down, practically on the floor, his eyes closed like he was trying to will himself to just disappear away. But he was just _so tired_ of this. He was going to fight, if it took everything out of him. Alan shoved him back, easily, and Luke just breathed through it, trying to keep his cool.

Then the quarterback turned to Alex, knowing exactly what to say to make it hurt:

“Even you can do better than this punk ass-“

Luke swung before he could finish the rest and was immediately blocked, pushed back, thrown down onto the table. What was left of their drinks went crashing to the ground and Alex skidded back, his eyes blown wide with panic, not sure what to do.

He could only brace himself, closing his eyes, almost welcoming the pain this time.

“Get out!” The shrill of the manager storming toward them broke them apart, and he could distinctly hear Alex breathe a sigh of relief. He peeled an eye open, seeing that Alan and his friends had already retreated to the other side of the restaurant, snickering as they did. Luke knew what they were saying without hearing him. The manager rounded on him and Alex particularly, and his blood ran cold, relaxing how they were being singled out. “Get out, _now_.”

He had a cordless phone in hand, ready to call the police, and Alex grabbed him by the arm, dragging him away before he could say anything else.

“How?!” Luke exclaimed as blaring sunlight hit them, almost making him nauseous. “He literally saw them try to attack us and _we_ got thrown out!”

But Alex was stiff and silent beside him as they walked, pulling Luke back toward the car he borrowed from his mom. Luke stopped when he saw what was parked beside them- Alan’s familiar black Corvette, which was always proudly parked in the prime spot in the school parking lot. A wild grin crossed his face as he fished his house key out of his pocket. Nervous energy raced through him; he almost felt like he was in a dream.

“No!” Alex hissed, trying to grab him before he could do it. Luke got one good key across the side of the Corvette before Alex shoved himself between him and the car, pushing him back to their car. “Stop it! For the love of god, _stop_!”

They hurried to get in the car, Luke practically buzzing with pride that he actually just did that. He felt like a madman. Neither dared looked back to see if they were caught as Alex sped away; neither spoke until they got stopped at their first red light. Luke hadn’t realized how hard he was breathing as he leaned his head against the window, his wild grin lingering as he stared at himself in the mirror. He hardly recognized himself.

“He is _actually_ going to kill us, you know that?” Alex shot.

“It will be worth it.”

Part of Luke wanted to feel nothing but blood-chilling fear at the thought of having to cross Alan at school the next day, but a bigger part of him finally felt like he had some kind of control.

He had no idea how completely out of control he had become, until they came out to find the tires of Bobby’s van slashed at school that next day and saw what was keyed into the side of the vehicle.

“Shit,” Reggie breathed as they all froze.

Blood boiled under Luke’s skin, goosebumps stood up on his arms and his mind was racing, ready to kill. Alex and Reggie immediately grabbed hold of his shoulders, keeping him locked in placed.

“Bobby, I’m so sorry,” Luke tried, as his friend circled his car, absolutely shaking with fury.

“It’s not your fault.” Bobby’s hands were clenched into fists, but knowing how many students were looking on, sneering, he forced himself to not react. “

“It kinda is,” Alex mumbled, and Luke threw a glare toward him.

“This is done!” Bobby hissed. “It’s _over_.”

The next night, Bobby showed up to the studio with red scraped and swollen knuckles, refusing to say what happened, and Luke lost it. Not right there, not in front of Alex- who was growing more and more distant than ever- but that night after slamming the door so hard a picture fell off the wall, cueing more shouting from his mother as he raced to his room, tears swelling in his eyes. He pressed play on his stereo and struggled unnecessary with his backpack to pull out his notebook. The song was already coming to him, word for word; it was everything he just needed to get out of his head.

His hand was shaking as he worked out the title, simply calling it, “My Name Is Luke”.

The next weekend Alex met him at the studio so he could show him the song. He stared at the floor intently, trying to not react as he waited for Alex’s response. It just wasn’t something he could hold in any longer, he had to find a way to deal with this. He could hear the drummer’s breathing get sharper, visibly being affected like he could have written the song himself.

“Luke…” Alex whispered. “I don’t want you feeling this way.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s this stupid world that we live in. Literally you can’t even kiss who you want without people being pissed at you. I’m just so sick of it. I can’t win. _We_ can’t win.”

“I know.”

Alex sat the notebook down and took his hands.

“I’m sorry I’ve been distant. I’m trying to figure out how to deal.”

“It’s okay…I didn’t know how to talk about it.”

Their foreheads touched, and it wasn’t until skin met skin that he realized just how distant they had been.

“I’m so _done_ ,” Luke breathed. Choked sobs escaped him, surprising them both and Alex held onto him tighter. “I’m so done with school. I’m failing two classes, and no one there even cares.”

“ _I_ care. We just have one more year,” Alex pointed out. “Then we’ll have rest of our lives, we’ll be done with school forever.”

Luke let out a nervous laugh, finally voicing what he had been contemplating for over a month now.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll make it one more year.”

Alex’s eyes narrowed and he sat back; Luke felt empty at the sudden loss of contact.

“You’re not dropping out of school!” Alex demanded, sounding a bit too similar to Luke’s mother. “You’re not dropping out of school because of _this_. You have to at least graduate high school. What if the band doesn’t work out?”

The statement hit him like a punch to the gut, and his face sank with hurt.

“You don’t think the band’s going to work out?” He stated quietly.

The drummer hesitated, like he couldn’t believe he had said that.

“Of course I do,” Alex replied, sincerely. “But come on, even you know the best bands don’t always make it. The guys might want to get married and have kids. And the music industry is _hard_ , man. If this is the trouble that just high school is giving us…”

“Oh, so now we’re not going to be successful musicians because of being gay?”

He shook his head, in complete disbelief that all of his innermost fears were coming so confidently out of Alex’s mouth. He _hated_ his fears being justified.

“That’s not what I’m saying! I’m just saying that life is about to get really, really hard. High school is about to be the least of our worries. Look, what I mean is…I want this _for you_. Having a diploma is a good thing. You deserve to have that.”

“I haven’t deserved any of this!” He exclaimed. “Neither of us do. That school doesn’t care about what any of us deserve.”

This time Alex looked betrayed, and Luke hated himself for it. It was like every day, he found a new way to make things worse.

“I don’t think I can do school without you,” Alex whispered, “and I want to graduate. I know that’s lame. I know it’s not what rock stars should care about when we could be gigging around California, but I want that for me.”

He realized that he hadn’t considered what would happen if he dropped out and the guys stayed in school. He just felt like he could be getting gigs, working some job on the side, busking on the pier every day…but Alex would be left behind. Shouldn’t he want them to stay together as much as possible, to be there for Alex?

“If that’s what you want, then I want that for you,” he promised. “But I also think that we’re going to be _great_. If we could just get out there more, if we could leave all of this petty school shit behind-“

“ _I_ don’t want to do that,” Alex insisted. “I hate school as much as anyone, obviously. But my parents are going to go insane enough whenever they do find out, let alone if I also tell them I’m dropping out…”

“Forget your parents! It’s their fault if they actually wouldn’t love their son because of his sexuality or education. Do you have any idea how messed up that is?”

“It’s not that easy,” Alex muttered. “You know how much school has sucked for me, but I can’t let a bunch of homophobic bullies ruin my chance at graduating or being able to do anything with my life. No one wants their kids listening to rock stars who dropped out of school anyway and _please_ don’t start on famous people who dropped out of school.”

Luke’s mouth snapped shut, as he was just about to do exactly that.

Silence fell over him, and he had no idea where they stood. After over a month of being distance, being afraid, being hurt…all they could do was fight over _graduation_?

“I want what’s best for you and the band and me,” Alex finally announced. “This past month has been a lot, it’s been _terrible_ , but look, we’re so close to winter break. Let’s just get there, okay? And then see how you feel about school.”

In his head the month and a half or so until winter break seemed like it might as well be two years. While admittedly, whatever Bobby did to Alan had scared the athlete enough to lay off of them and things were at least a little quieter the past week, the band was out of a vehicle because of him. The eyes still followed him everywhere he went in school. He felt like a ticking time bomb, waiting until he caused something else to happen to them. Vaguely, he recognized himself going into self-destruct mode, and he didn’t know how to stop it. 

“I don’t understand how we’re supposed to deal with this,” he mumbled.

Alex placed his hands on his shoulders, and it might have been the only thing keeping him standing. He knew he had been holding a lot in these past few weeks, but now that the floodgate opened, he was realizing just how not okay he had been. And he didn’t exactly have any good solutions to make anything better.

“I wish I could tell you that it will get easier but…I don’t know that it does,” Alex told him softly. “And it’s okay if you’re not ready for this, you know. We never meant for things to get this serious, I mean besides even the school thing. I can tell that it’s weird between us for a while now, except for whenever we’re physically together and I love it when we are, but that’s not all that I want. You’ve had so much going on, with your mom and school and the band. And the fighting…it’s gotten out of hand, Luke, I don’t like what this is doing to you. I feel like we’re drifting apart, and that’s okay, if that’s just where this is headed. But I’m afraid this is just going to keep pushing you until you do something really stupid, and I can’t let you do that to yourself.”

A mixture of deep pain and anger hit him, like he instinctively wanted to be pissed that Alex’s suggestion was to just end things. He didn’t want to look like a coward who wanted to end things as soon as things got tough. But there was also a part of him that felt a little relieved to be given an out. Because deep down, he really wasn’t sure if he was ready for this. He didn’t know how to do this, and he hadn’t even bothered giving it his full attention to figure out what he was doing. It shouldn’t have mattered what was going on, he should have made Alex a priority, always.

“I never should have let those guys get to me like that, I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been fair to any of you guys, especially you. I want to try to make this work…”

“That’s only because you’re afraid to walk away, but it’s _okay_ , Luke. You’re an incredibly passionate person and you don’t like for things to not work out, and I love those things about you, but it’s different with this. I don’t want our relationship to be what comes between you and finishing high school or you and your mom or even you and your mental health.”

“Alex…”

He really did not like the realization this his partner, who had serious, actual issues with anxiety and panic, had been worried about _him._ To know that Alex had been this worried not only about what was physically happening but had caught onto just how much everything was bothering him was unnerving. Was he _that_ transparent?

“Trust me, I get it,” Alex promised, sensing how afraid he was to be found out like that. Luke swallowed nervously; it felt like his heart was cracking. “You’re my best friend, Luke, and I don’t think I could do any of this _life_ thing without you, and I don’t want to risk that. Maybe we just need a breather. If we still have feelings for each other in the future, we can figure that out.”

It pained him to nod in agreement but he did, fighting away the tears that were threatening to come.

“I don’t _want_ to break up,” he whispered, and god it was starting to _hurt_ to speak. “But yeah, maybe I just need some breathing room. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want that to change. I don’t want the band to change. And I’m really not trying to let the bullies win, but It’s just _so_ much. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing and you’re right, things serious really fast, even before all of this and I just don’t know if I’m ready for this, and I’m _sorry_.”

It was both terrifying and a relief to realize they had both been having this same realization, that they were both afraid, both hurting. They were just too damn young for this. “

“I don’t know if I’m ready for this either,” Alex confessed. “It’s bad enough, having to sneak around with the band because my parents don’t have any idea how much we’re gigging. But _us_ sneaking around, trying to keep up with the lies, the people at school…it’s a lot. I can’t sleep, Luke, I’m so worried about you…it’s just all so much.”

Luke carefully took a step toward him, daring to fish Alex’s hands out of the pocket of his hoodie so he could take them, giving them a comforting squeeze. But already it felt wrong to touch him. As his eyes roamed over Alex’s face he realized just how exhausted he looked, and it killed him knowing how much his anxiety was constantly eating at him lately.

“This started out so innocent and casual” Luke stated quietly, “and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to do this to you, and that I put you through all this. I’m _sorry_.”

“Please don’t be sorry.”

The room felt stiff, as Alex filled the space between them with an embrace, and Luke felt like he was holding on for dear life…not knowing when they’d ever be that close again.

Twenty-five years into their after life, Luke fell silent. The studio felt just stiff as it did that day, almost as though it too recognized their pain.

Then, without word or warning, Alex quietly stood up and poofed out of the studio. Luke looked up to where he had been standing, mouth hanging half open in a silent apology. Julie reached out and placed a hand on his arm, her eyes warning him that it was okay, to give him time.

“I’ll check on him,” Reggie offered quietly; he poofed away before anyone could argue.

Drawing his knees to his chest, he didn’t argue as Julie quietly got to her feet and sank down on the sofa beside him. She gently wrapped her arms around him and placed her head on his shoulder; the weight was comforting.

“I didn’t know it still affected me so much,” he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper.

 _I didn’t know it still affected him so much,_ he thought, but couldn’t bring himself to say.

Her eyes wondered up to him, empathetic, at she placed a hand on his cheek, wiping a tear away. He hadn’t even realized they had started to fall.

“It was your first serious relationship, right?” She said. He nodded. “Of course it’s hard. You really care about him, Luke. That was some scary stuff that you guys went through. And I don’t know if you realize it, but it sounded like you were a little depressed.”

He actually snorted, because she couldn’t have been more right.

“Oh, I was,” he commented. He was thinking about what happened next, how awful and lonely and dark the next month was as she stared at him, concerned and helpless. “Reggie was right. We never got to grow up and explore relationships or have families or _anything_. I wasted the last year of Alex’s life on a _fling_ and then I broke his heart.”

“You didn’t waste _any_ of my life.”

Luke looked up slowly; he didn’t expect Alex to come back so fast. Reggie had a supportive hand on the small of his back, like he had just given him a quick _you can do this_ , pep talk. Julie glanced between the two, silently asking them to be honest. Luke really wasn’t sure if he had any mental energy left to stand, to be a ghost he felt so weak right then, and was grateful when Alex came to sit on the other side of him. Reggie squeezed into the last bit of couch cushion left beside Alex and placed a hand on his knee as the drummer joined Julie in hugging Luke.

“Our relationship was so special to me, Luke,” Alex said quietly. Suddenly, this felt a little too intimate for the other two to be there, but Alex didn’t seem to mind. He lifted up, meeting Luke’s eyes and offering him a small smile. “I learned so much about myself that year. Maybe it ended _terribly_ but it was a really fun ride.”

They both shared a smile, and Luke felt at least a little more reassured.

“I mean, no one ever asked me how I felt about you guys breaking up,” Reggie chimed in, “but even though you guys were good together, it was a _lot_. Those last couple of months, I don’t know how you did it. You were only seventeen years old. I’m just really glad we all stayed friends.

Suddenly Alex grimaced as he pointed out:

“You realize that if we had just for real broken up and not stayed friends we probably wouldn’t be here as ghosts right now.”

No one dared to comment on the idea of this potential alternative universe where Julie wouldn’t be friends with them. It was weird, this dynamic, he thought. He was supposed to mourn his own life, was supposed to grieve for his parents, his friends, was supposed to figure out his unfinished business and was supposed to crossover…but at the same time, meeting Julie and forming this new band felt like one of the most incredible, organic, things he could have ever done with his life. It shouldn’t…but it did.

Luke turned to Reggie; he had realized as he told the story properly, for the first time, how much of a debt of gratitude they had owed him and Bobby for helping them through everything. Even after all Bobby ended up doing…he was always willing to pick a fight to stand up for them. Placing a hand on Reggie’s shoulder, he stated:

“We only got through those last couple of months because of you, Reg. If you and Bobby hadn’t been there for us…I don’t even want to know. I pushed it too far, I went completely off the rails and you guys made sure I was okay.”

“Of course we did, we’d do anything for you guys,” Reggie grinned, silent tears falling from his eyes. “And we didn’t want you to end up in prison for murdering Alan Myers.”

They both laughed, though Luke knew, as he relived that story for the first time since ’94, that it wasn’t exactly an empty concern.

Alex placed a hand on the bassist’s other shoulder. “We were so worried we had ruined things for the band, but you guys were so supportive. It meant the world to us, really.”

A smile flashed across Reggie’s face as they exchanged an embrace, just the three of them, as Julie watched on with tears in her eyes. Luke just felt raw after all they had shared…and even worse knowing there was more.

But ever so slowly, it was like the glass shield he had put up around his past was slowly chipping away.

“I really appreciate you guys sharing all that with me,” Julie told them, placing a hand on the small of Luke’s back; a shiver raced down his spine at even the gentlest of her touches. “I feel like I know you guys so much better. I had no idea you had such a hard time in high school. I don’t know how you got through that, even with each other.”

“Well Luke didn’t, he dropped out after winter break,” Alex blurted out, throwing Luke a cheeky _you’re not hiding this from her_ smile.

As predicted, Julie shoved him away playfully, though her face was completely stunned, with a tinge of disappointed that hit hard.

“And I have literally no regrets about that,” Luke insisted, holding his hands up defensively. “I _died_ the next summer. I’d be haunting the crap out of that place if I had wasted the last few months of my life there!”

Julie’s face softened, as though to say _fair point,_ but she couldn’t bring herself to agree with him being a drop out.

“Well, I was a great student,” Reggie announced, beaming, though no one was looking at him. “I received two excellence in math awards in high school.”

 _“Dude,”_ Alex retorted, rolling his eyes as he patted him on the back, “no one cares. We’re dead. Maybe Luke was right, we should have been more focused on the band. Maybe we would have been in a better place by July and we wouldn’t have been around for those hot dogs.”

Reggie looked crestfallen, and Julie jumped in quickly to save him.

“I think that’s awesome, Reggie,” she grinned at him, “and you’ve been holding out on me, I’m so going to need your help with calculus.”

“Any time!”

She rounded on Luke and Alex next, and he braced himself, knowing exactly what she was going to say.

“And you two! That cannot be the moral of the story here! Do you have any idea how hard it is to focus on living my life like normal while also knowing that I could easily be dead this time next year? It’s constantly on my mind thanks to hanging out with you guys all the time!”

Now Luke felt guilty.

“I’m sorry,” he told her, sincerely. He turned to Reggie. “It’s awesome that you were an ace at useless math info. If we ever come across an evil ghost who wants us to do algebra in his club forever, maybe that will finally come in handy.”

_“Thank you.”_

“Did things get _any_ better from there?” Julie asked, searching their eyes for any hope that the last year of their lives wasn’t total crap. They glanced at each other, knowing there wasn’t much hope to give her.

“Things did start getting better that summer,” Reggie commented. “We were getting gigs like crazy and then…you know…hot dogs.”

They all grimaced, and Luke closed his eyes and sighed as he let his forehead rest against his ex’s for just that moment. He could feel Alex’s anxious energy as their bodies swayed so close, and he knew his friend was silently telling him that he had the strength to finish the story. He knew most of the rest of that year was mostly on him. His relationship with his mother had been barely hanging on by a thread, and he hadn't ended the year in school. Or at home.

As though reading his mind, Julie asked:

“So what exactly happened with your parents? You said you told your dad…”

Luke bit his lip, his eyes closing at the pain, the longing, the memory brought him.

Thankfully, it was a part of the story that he had at least somewhat come to terms with already- after all the day he came out to his dad ended up being one of his favorite days Luke had ever spent with him- but he knew he had been stashing away some of the pain from that time in his life.

“So…Thanksgiving and Christmas ’94 were just a _bit_ interesting…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that was a hard one. it. I hope I did it justice. 
> 
> Thank you all SO much for supporting this story! Thanks for reading, kudos and the comments. Comments make me happy, I love knowing what you would think and am interested to see what you thought of this chapter.


	12. Silent Days, Mysteries, and Thanksgiving '94

Thanksgiving 94 was just Luke and his dad.

They ate microwave dinners and sat on the couch while a football game neither of them cared about played on the television. They would eat as a family, at some point, but his mom was working at least a 12 hour shift tonight, had the night before, and would in a couple more nights so he knew reality was they wouldn’t likely get around to it. She hadn’t even remembered to get them anything decent to fix at the store, not that he cared. Luke had just felt so numb since the breakup, he couldn’t even remotely find it in him to be excited for the holidays or be concerned with anything going on with his parents.

He was pretty sure he cared about Alex way, way more than he had realized.

While they were still “just friends”, just friends didn’t hold hands, and his hand felt empty without another person’s palm resting inside it. Even the space beside him felt empty; he missed that warmth of having Alex there. He missed stealing kisses, he missed just holding each other. He missed being intimate with someone in a way that he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be able to feel yet at seventeen.

Luke felt terrible that they spent their last couple of months together so distant, mostly due to him.

Even worse, he didn’t see a way forward. It wasn’t like he had ever crushed on a guy before, and now even when he made a point to try to decide if guys were hot or not at school, he just came up short. He was pretty sure if there were any other gay guys at school they were deeply in the closet after all the bullying they had been subjected too. The interest in girls was…still there, but not something he felt particularly passionate about right now. And part of him just didn’t even want to try to find anyone else; part of him was worried he would never have the courage to date again. The more he replayed everything that happened in 1994 in his head, the more he couldn't believe how easily and royally he screwed everything up. He almost lost _everything_ with Alex, and he couldn't risk doing that again.

But he knew Alex was right about it being time to end things, that he not only wasn’t ready for that level of commitment, but he wasn't even in the headspace for it. It was something they both understood and could make peace with.

So why did he feel so awful?

“Luke, are you okay?” His dad finally spoke up ten minutes into their horribly awkward dinner. “You’ve hardly touched your mostly cold microwaved potatoes.”

Luke couldn’t help but to smirk. He was glad at least his dad saw the humor in how pathetic their holiday was.

“Yeah, just not much of an appetite.”

He picked around at the TV dinner, trying to will himself to eat even a bite, but everything was tasteless.

“Come on, son, I know something’s wrong. You’ve been even more distant than usual. Is the band okay? Did you guys have a fight?”

He didn’t mean to flinch at the word “fight”, but he did and his dad definitely noticed. The past few weeks he had definitely slept in more, hung out in his room more, snuck out to hang out with the guys less, and obviously his hyper-observant parents would notice something was off. He felt like everything he did, everything he said, was being carefully analyzed by his parents.

“You haven’t had any more problems in school, have you? If you’re being bullied-“

“I’m not being bullied!” He exclaimed, kicking at the coffee table. More lies.

His father startled as he shoved the food onto the table, giving up on eating all together. 

“Is it about a girl?” His dad prodded. Luke glared at his tennis shoes, trying desperately to avoid his dad’s eyes. His face felt burning hot and his stomach in knots; he felt like he was unraveling. “You’ve just been acting kind of heartbroken. I know we haven’t been very close this past year, but we do love you, Luke, and if you’re hurting, I just want to know so I can look out for you. I’m trying to give you your space, but I’m worried about you. I’m here for you, you know.”

Yes, he thought, his dad was but his mom was conveniently not around lately to be so-called worried. Of course, when he was finally around the house more, as his mom had always wished, she worked more. She didn’t talk to him more just because he was there. She just wanted him under her thumb, always under her watch.

“Did mom volunteer to work tonight, so that she wouldn’t have to spend Thanksgiving with me?”

His dad’s breathing noticeably hitched, but he didn’t seem too shocked for his son to have asked, which gave Luke his answer.

“They were short-staffed…”

“Don’t,” Luke warned.

He knew the truth. His mom had more experience than most of the nurses on her floor combined, she definitely had the seniority to ask off for a holiday if she wanted to. But it was like the closer she got to the end of the year, the more _done_ she was with him. And Luke was just so done too. It wasn’t a great combination. It hadn't helped that he had flunked yet another math test, resulting in yet another screaming match about school and how he "wasn't even trying!" just a couple days before.

Truth was, he _wasn't_ trying. At anything. The truth was, he was _exhausted,_ and the daily fight to keep what was really going on from his parents was killing him. Everything he did seemed to take up every ounce of his energy. He was _sad_. He was every heartbreak song he had ever written, but his innocent younger self could have never imagined what that pain was really like. It shook him to the core, how much he hurt. Even just remembering Alex’s face, his smile, remembering any moment from the past year, it _hurt_.

And every day it didn’t get better he just found himself thinking… _I didn’t think it would be like this._

He was so tired, mentally and physically, that he wanted nothing more than to run to his room, slam the door behind him, and sleep until noon the next day. So he gave his body what he wanted and stood up.

“I’m going to bed,” he mumbled.

“It’s 7:30, Luke.”

Luke was actually surprised when his dad stood up after him, his face stiff with concern. He could feel his father’s doctors’ eyes studying him, worried that maybe something was _really_ wrong.

“It’s not drugs or anything, stop looking at me like that.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” his father admitted, though void of much emotion, like he hadn’t really thought that was it. “If it’s about that test-“

“It’s not about any test and I’m not a game of 20 questions!”

He tried to tear away but it was like he physically couldn’t. His muscles felt weak, his whole body felt off. His mind couldn’t focus on one single thought, his brain was bouncing between images of his parents screaming at him for liking another guy, to screaming at him for dating someone secretly, to screaming at him about the demo he never told them about and just _everything_.

Suddenly his chest felt tight, his breathing was too shallow, his whole body was warm, like he was running a fever and it finally hit him:

_Panic attack._

This is what exactly would happen to Alex when he had them.

How ironic.

Instead of asking any more questions, his father just opened his arms.

And Luke gave in.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

“It’s okay,” his dad said quietly as Luke threw himself into his arms. And then he tears came, they fell and they fell. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. “Luke, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”

For a long few minutes Luke just let himself breakdown. He had spent so long pretending like the breakup didn’t bother him. He had pretended like the relationship meant nothing serious, that secretly being in a relationship with another guy, his best friend, wasn’t a big deal.

But it _all_ meant _everything_.

“I’ve got you,” his father whispered again.

Suddenly it came back to him all the nurse told him to do if Alex had another panic attack. He wiggled his fingers even as they grasped around his father’s back. Drawing in deep, raspy breaths, he tried to focus on the awful sour smell of the TV dinners, the smell of his dad’s soap, the sound of the fans cheering on the game.

“Just breathe.”

He tried to obey the best he could.

At last, after a few solid moments of trying to distract his senses and just breathe, fog cleared a bit in his head, and he had the nerve to break apart.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, wiping a tear away with his arm.

He honestly couldn’t remember another time when he broke down like that in front of either of his parents; he couldn't be sure it had ever happened, not since he was very young.

“I’m sorry, it’s just…everything’s just been too much, and I haven’t known how to deal and I’ve been horrible to you and I’m _sorry_.”

“Luke, you’re just a teenager,” his father offered with a casual shrug and a goofy, half-hearted smile, “and we’re just your uncool, worried parents.”

Luke squeezed his eyes shut. He was so sick of them assuming everything going on was just typical teenager stuff.

“I’m not just a teenager!”

His father looked both bemused and confused, which forced the anger inside him to build back up.

“Sorry…” his father was at a total loss. “Do you have super powers I don’t know about?”

It was clearly meant as a joke, but it was really the last thing he wanted to hear. Maybe his father really did care more than he thought, but he could never understand.

“I’m going to bed,” he announced for a second time.

He was surprised when as he turned away, his shoulders were grabbed to stop him.

“Luke, sit,” his father ordered.

Luke did, too tired argue. Usually, it was his mother doing the punishing and yelling, so he was curious if his father could match up. But a bit of relief flowed through him when instead of yelling, his father sat down next to him, turned toward him, and studied his face before asking again, calmly and sincerely:

“What’s going on?”

The guitarist opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Once again, his thoughts started to race and he grabbed his head, desperate to stop them.

“Luke…”

He couldn’t take the begging anymore. He couldn’t take the worried looks, the assumptions. He knew that he was leaving on his eighteenth birthday anyway, so what if they disowned him? At least this would all stop. At least he could stop pretending.

“I’m gay.”

The room froze. He said it more forcefully than he meant, his eyes a bit wilder than he meant.

His father just stared back at him.

Luke made himself keep breathing slowly, through pursed lips.

Then…his dad embraced him. Tighter, this time, like he never wanted to let him go.

“Thank you for telling me,” his dad whispered.

This time, Luke didn’t break down. His felt completely wrecked, his mind was in shock. The secret he had kept so carefully hidden the entire year was now out, and he didn’t know how to feel. They held each other in silence, father and son, a scene he was sure this living room had never seen before. And Luke allowed himself to focus solely on breathing. Eventually the game on the television went to a commercial, and his father broke away to turn it and give them some quiet.

He couldn’t help but to wish it stayed on, to give him something to focus his senses on.

“You’re not mad?” Luke stammered, brushing tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his flannel.

“You thought I was going to be mad?”

Tears were beginning to prickle in his father’s eyes now, and Luke was certain he had never seen his dad cry, not even at funerals.

“Alex’s parents are homophobic…he’s been terrified for them to find out about.”

He said it without meaning to, without realizing what it would imply, and he could see the wheels turning in his father’s eyes.

“Your drummer?” His father asked. _Your_ drummer. Luke threw himself against the couch cushions and closed his eyes. His dad let out a long breath before declaring: “You’ve been dating your drummer.”

“Was. I _was_ dating _our_ drummer. We broke up.”

There was another moment of silence as his father settled back into the couch beside him, crossing his arms in a similar way.

“Oh,” his father commented, “that _is_ complicated…I guess I would have a hard time leaving my room if I broke up with my drummer too.”

Luke snorted.

“How long…” his dad continued.

“Since January.”

“Oh.”

The full weight of just how long Luke had been hiding this from them seemed to hit his father, along with all that he was likely going through personally during that year, and it was like all the dots were connecting in his head, explaining his erratic behavior perfectly.

“Yeah, _oh_ ,” Luke opened his eyes to look at his father, testing how he was reacting. It eased him to see that his father looked pretty calm, like he would when talking to patients on the phone. He always knew exactly how to handle bad news. “Please don’t tell his parents.”

“It’s not my place to tell.”

He could at least feel relieved at that.

He knew his father had a million questions about their relationship, including _the big one_ , but was grateful when he stopped with the 20 questions game and just let him talk.

“I really, really didn’t mean to get so involved with him. I guess I always knew he was…good looking…” this was uncomfortable enough without calling another guy hot in his dad’s presence. “Things felt different with him, you know, and I knew I really liked him. I didn’t realize it was an _I like you, like you_ kind of thing until we kissed, last New Year’s. I had noticed him looking and just went for it, and I liked it. I do still like girls, I think, and I don’t know, maybe it was just Alex. I don’t know what you would call it. I had never felt anything like that toward a guy before. We decided just go for it and to take things slowly.”

He emphasized ‘slowly’ in hopes of not getting any sex questions from his dad, and his dad looked satisfied enough to not interrogate.

“It was really nice, dating him, it was fun, and we had a great summer. Then everything just got so, _so,_ complicated. The whole school found out.”

“Is that what that fight at school was about, in September?” His dad asked softly. “And that black eye awhile back?”

He nodded, swallowing hard; it was really something he didn’t want to talk about. Turns out, the bullying didn’t get much easier just because they had broken up. It was less physical, maybe, especially after Bobby fought with Alan one last time and threatened him about messing with the band anymore. But he could still feel everyone’s funny looks everywhere he went; he still felt like an outcast. Alex was more distant than ever, he drifted toward hanging out with Reggie for support, and Luke let them because god if Alex didn’t deserve that. He could have hung out with Bobby more, but he had yet another girlfriend, and Luke really didn’t feel super comfortable talking to him about this stuff. The bullying was bad enough but he had just felt _so alone_.

“I was lying, about not being bullied,” he confessed, feeling humiliated. “It was…it was a lot, but it’s been better now. Please don’t make me talk about it.”

“One step at a time,” his father agreed. He studied him long and hard, before asking him: “Did you think we would disown you if we knew the truth?”

The hurt in his voice made Luke feel guilty for ever worrying about that. His parents were strict, they were a bit conservative, but deep down he knew that they cared too much to just let him go like that. Then again, he had always thought Alex’s parents had cared about their son too, until he realized just how afraid his friend was for them to know.

“I didn’t…I didn’t know.”

Realization flashed across his father’s face, like he was getting that that was so much of why Luke was acting so strange lately, fearing his reaction, and Luke hated how much it clearly affected him.

“Luke, I know we’re strict. We know you’re talented, we know you have a lot of potential, all we ever wanted was for you to slow down and not grow up too fast with the band. That doesn’t mean that’d we would ever, ever do nothing but love you. I really don’t care if you date guys or girls or both as long as you’re safe and you’re happy. I’m so sorry that you went through all of this alone, and you don’t have to tell me the full story if you don’t want to. I didn’t exactly have heart to hearts about my breakups with my father.”

They both smirked. His grandfather had been pretty laid back, but he was also a very quiet man, a war vet, and it was pretty hard to get any real emotion out of him. Luke couldn’t help but to wonder what he would have thought, about him and Alex, and realized he really couldn’t see his grandfather thinking anything but the best for him. At least, to his face he wouldn’t have said anything.

“Thank you,” Luke offered sincerely. “Thank you, it means a lot that you’re cool with this.”

“It’s just who you are,” his father replied. “Thank you for telling me. And I’m sorry, son. Heartbreaks are hard, especially when it’s a friend.”

Silence fell over them again as Luke decided just how much he wanted to tell his dad. Truthfully, he didn’t have much energy left after such a big confession. There was one thing he thought he was finally ready to do though, especially while his dad was being so accepting.

“Hey Dad…can I show you something?”

Twenty minutes later they were lounging on Luke’s bed, for the first time since he was a kid, listening to Sunset Curve’s demo. His father didn’t say much all through it, but he looked like he was concentrating hard, really taking in the lyrics as he read along with what was printed on the inside of the CD. Luke hadn’t realized how nervous he would be to get his father’s opinion on the demo, but it was like he was almost more nervous about that than any of the other stuff. His music was so personal to him, and sharing these songs meant a lot. He felt totally exposed, like there were no more secrets left to hide. It was mostly a good feeling, it was relief, like he could finally be himself, but it was also slightly unnerving.

“Written by Luke Patterson,” his dad announced with a smile. “This is really, really good. Is there any way I can I get a copy? And maybe a few to give at work? This will really show Dr. Walsh, he’s been bragging about his son getting into law school for a month now. Thousands of kids get into law school every year but _this_ …this is really good. I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that you guys were able to do this somehow without parental consent, but you guys are really talented. You're songwriting is just incredible, this is on a professional level, Luke. You guys saved up the money to do this on your own?”

A grin spread across Luke’s face.

His dad liked his music.

His dad was _impressed_ by his music.

And it was the first time he ever heard one of his parents talk like music could be an actual long-term thing for him.

He felt completely elated. 

He felt validated, in a way he never knew he needed to feel. Music had always been an escape for him, something he was so passionate about that it scared him sometimes, but while having his parents' blessing with the band would have been nice, Luke hadn't realized just how much hearing his dad call him talented would mean until now.

“Yeah, we’ve been doing pretty good with gigging, and Bobby called in a few favors. We just got a few copies to give to managers, but I can see what I can do.”

“I think I need to hear that again,” his father announced, patting Luke’s knee with the CD and getting to his feet. “Want to go for a drive?”

Thanksgiving ’94 ended up being the best Thanksgiving of his life. He and his father found a gas station open that had slushies and drove out to a lookout, playing the demo over and over again until his dad was able to start singing along with the lyrics. His lyrics. Seeing his dad so happy, so proud of him, made him feel prouder of himself than he ever had before. They sat in the back of the station wagon along the overlook, his dad still examining every word of the cover and asking a hundred questions about what each band member did on the CD, how they wrong songs and came up with rhythms.

“Do you remember Mrs. Wilson, that kid Logan’s mother from your third-grade class?”

“I don’t even know half my teachers names this year,” he pointed out, “so…no.”

“She was always bragging about how good her son was on the violin. She always made a point to ask if you were going to get started on strings, like they were holier than thou because he was already in a kiddie orchestra. I’d love to send her one of these.”

They laughed. To think he had dreaded Thanksgiving so much, dreaded the hours of silence sitting with his father. He had no idea his dad could be this cool to hang out with. He had no idea that his father would ever take coming out to him so well, that he would just be there for him. For the first time in weeks, it finally felt like he could _breathe_.

“Tonight has been really good,” Luke told him. “I’m sorry we haven’t had more nights like this.”

“Me too,” his dad wasn’t afraid to admit. There was a sad tone behind it, as though he too knew that realistically they wouldn’t get many more times like this, given Luke's constant threat to move out the second he turned eighteen. “Look, I know you and your mom have had a rough time this year. I hope that there’s a time in your life when you can reach an understanding and realize how much of a blessing it is that we’re all still able to be together. I know music is everything to you, and I don’t blame you, if I was this talented it would be to me too. But the worst thing you can do is let the thing you’re most passionate about come between you and your mom. An awful lot is going to change once you’re out of school and on your own. A lot of responsibility is going to be on your shoulders, and we’ll absolutely always be here for you if you need us. Until then, please, can you give your mom the benefit of a doubt? It's okay if you're not ready to tell her everything yet, but I promise you that she won't see you any differently if you do. Both of us will always love you. If you could just meet her in the middle, even a little...she really just wants you to be safe, to be careful.”

“I know,” Luke mumbled. “Maybe too safe and careful.”

“Well, that’s a mom for you.”

The comment gutted him. Was he really that terrible of a son? Had he really been that selfish that he couldn’t stand to listen to her at all, that he made it so she couldn’t even bare to spend Thanksgiving with him in hopes of avoiding another fight?

“Yeah, I’ll try,” Luke finally sighed.

And Luke really had meant to try.

But between Thanksgiving and Christmas somehow things went from being on the mend with his dad to worse than ever with his mom…and it ruined everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyric "silent days, mysteries and mistakes" just hits so hard and sticks out to me so much. It makes me feel like something more had to be going on than just how serious things were getting with the band, cause it's not like it was a big secret that he was in the band. That line is just delivered with so much pain and hurt, I dunno it just really makes me think :/ and things just seemed so centered on him vs his mom, it made me feel like maybe things weren't as bad with his dad.
> 
> Confession: This was one of the first chapters I wrote for this story, I had never written a story out of order before but originally it was just going to be the first chapter, what will be the epilogue and that's it. Then I was like nah, I can't just leave it there, I gotta tell the whole thing. And so this fic got 12 bonus chapters. Whoops lol Anyway, I'm pretty proud of this chapter to be honest, I really hope I did this scene justice!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, for kudos and comments. I always love hearing you guys' thoughts :)


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